Mother-Wit

Book Review: A Thousand Splendid Suns

2012-01-02T07:53:00.000-07:00

A Thousand Splendid Suns

By Khaled Hosseini

In one of my searches for a good read over the Christmas holiday I came across A Thousand Splendid Suns. I had seen the movie, Kite Runner and loved it, so I had pretty good idea that I would like this book. Hosseni did not disappoint at all; I could hardly put the book down.

The story revolves around two women, Miriam and Lalia where their lives become intertwined by circumstances beyond their control in Afghanistan. The author covers the last thirty years of what is like for women to live in Afghanistan under different ruling regimes.

I believe Hosseini does a fabulous job of building a bridge of understanding of a different culture; by giving us a peek into how the cultural norms in a male dominated society changed over time for these women. Heartache and sorrow is a universal theme that most people can relate to, as well as motherhood. The author did a wonderful job in inviting the reader into the women’s lives in such a way that empathy triumphed over the differences in how they lived their lives.

After reading this book, I came away with a different outlook of the plight of the Afghanistan women. My heart was torn by their suffering, but also inspired by their courage. Hosseini’s ability to captivate me, by the sights and sounds of the imageries of Afghanistan gave me a very different perspective of that country. I was enthralled by its beauty and appalled by the tyrants that took over and destroyed their homeland. Before this book I never had any desire to visit that part of the world, but after reading it, I would love to visit.

I highly recommend this book. If you have read this book, any thoughts?

Merry Christmas 2011

2011-12-24T15:51:00.000-07:00

Sitting down to write my annual Christmas letters to my family I had such mixed emotions. This year has been so tumultuous and yet miraculous at the same time. At times it seemed like time was crawling by and yet here we are at the end of another year. It is true each year one gets older the faster time seems to fly by. In getting out my Christmas cards I had to choose between getting them out or waiting much later with a letter. I was too afraid that I would never get the cards out, so here is our letter.

The high lights of 2011

Jonathan graduating with honors in spite of his health issues. Then getting to go to Nationals in Speech was awesome, the only regret was that Chuck and I were unable to attend.

Chuck recovering and attending college this summer and fall semesters. He has a 4.0 and made the Dean’s List!

Chuck started teaching at FACE and loves it. We have really enjoyed teaching and going to college together.

Jonathan heading off to CSU and embracing his first semester at college. As a homeschool mom it was so wonderful to hear Jonathan’s zeal as he learned new things.

Amanda is working and heavily involved with her church. I had the pleasure of watching her Christmas play that she wrote and directed. She did an amazing job!

Thanks to our angel Dr. Earnest I was able to get my back surgery this summer and I am on my way to a full recovery. Dr. Earnest helped both Chuck and I get through the tangled web of healthcare today and we are so very grateful for his help!

In the fall I was inducted into Phi Theta Kappa honor’s society. What a redemptive night for me, a high school dropout getting into PTK. God is so good!

The Low lights

Having to say goodbye to my Aunt Ruth, my dad, and our friend, Tim Wilderson. The path of grief has been very arduous with each passing. Only by the grace of God did we not say goodbye to Chuck’s biological father. Chuck’s father seems to be making an amazing recovery. Also my grandfather had cancer surgery where he was able to recover from, but we are still waiting on the doctors to know what the next step will be for my grandfather.

I am so very grateful for those who have prayed for us. Thank you so very much. In many ways it has been the prayers of many that have sustained us through this year. One of the greatest lessons learned and experienced was how God’s community has reached out to us. Thank you so very much.

From our hearts our prayer for you is that 2012 will be one filled with peace, hope, and health. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Marriage Monday: In-laws

2011-11-07T10:20:00.000-07:00

In-laws are a great topic! Thanks E-Mom for hosting MarriageMondays.

I wouldsay that miscommunication and misunderstandings plagued me when it came to myin-laws. We did not start out on a positive note. Neither side of Chuck nor myfamily were too happy that we married so quickly and so young. Looking back, I cansee that many of their concerns were reasonable, but my own insecurities didnot allow me to see another’s point of view. The choice that Chuck and I madeby homeschooling our children, I believed isolated us further; sometimes it ishard to build bridges that someone is willing to walk over. By the time the kids were teenagers, I wasmuch better at building motes than bridges. Staying in a toxic church foreleven years took its toll on our family, but especially me. I became very waryof people and wondered how I would ever heal.

All thatchanged on October 9, 2010. Having two tragedies happen back to back will forceanyone out of their shell. I remember calling my in-laws and telling them aboutJonathan. Then the following day having to call them about their son; it wassuch a difficult call. I had no idea how they would react. But somethingchanged between us that day and it has never been the same. They took the newsas well as any parents would, shocked and in dismay. I told them that I wouldkeep them posted as things changed. By the time I drove Chuck home, Charles, myfather in-law had committed to staying with Chuck while I went back to college.He brought dinner with him and sat with Chuck a couple a days each week forprobably a month or so. This was invaluable to me, I could try to make upcollege and not worry too much about Chuck. Laurel, my mother in-law would comeby on the weekends because she workedduring the week. Each time they came, they always asked what they could do tohelp us. This life changing event changed our relationships. We were all morerelaxed and conversation flowed. I have a very hard time asking for help, butas they came over, I was able to allow them to do the dishes or make dinner.

Withevery decision on my shoulders, I was afraid that I would make wrong decisions;I realized that I needed counsel. Charles had been an attorney most of hislife, I knew that he would help me maneuver through the muddy waters. I have tosay that in this area, I cannot thank them enough. Charles helped me find anattorney, came with me to all the meetings, and talked to me about thefinances. Never once did he or Laurel suggest that I do this or that. They lefteverything up to me and only gave their opinion if I asked for it. I am prettysure I would have sunk to the bottom had I not had those conversations withCharles.

When Istarted looking up all the issues that come with brain injuries they have asection on in-laws and most of it isn’t pretty. I couldn’t imagine dealing withcontrolling in-laws in the midst of everything else. I guess the parents of theinjured tend to step over boundaries that they shouldn’t. It is like they goback to being parents of a little child. I am so grateful that did not happento me. Through this ordeal we have come to see each other in a different light.We will probably not agree on things politically or even spiritually. But thereis a newfound respect that grew from our mutual love of Chuck and Jonathan.

I haveseen where tragedy has torn apart families and it just adds to the pain. Sometimesthere is so much damage that it not repairable. For our family it tooksomething so much bigger than us to see really how we felt about it each, butmaybe we just did not know how to express it. It took twenty years before wehad our breakthrough. God is faithful to slowly work on our hearts. Today I seemy in-laws in such a different light. We weathered the storm together.

High school again isn't such a bad thing

2011-10-19T23:46:00.000-06:00

The last two weeks the Lord has shown me something very sweet about our lives. How He can redeem something in my life from more than twenty years ago. As a child I found solace in school; it was my place of safety. I loved learning. In the elementary years I would lament each time we would have to move and I would have to start over in a new school. Our class would be starting something new whether that was in science as we put feline bones together; completing the cat to me it was like putting together a puzzle. Or learning about some new foreign land and all of the students would look forward to the display day where different foods would be cooked from different countries and blanket and clothes would be on display. It never failed; I would be uprooted and moved to another class that wasn’t studying anything like the previous class, so I would have to cram to catch up. Being the new kid is never easy. In sixth grade, I was the new kid six times, that year.

Junior High was even more difficult for me. My home life became the haven for many different groups of people who loved to party. I became tired of being picked on in school and started standing up for myself and fell into a different set of friends where education was not the priority. The emotional upheaval from the previous summer events set me on a course for self-destruction. Certain family members tried to intervene, and in many ways probably saved my life by allowing me to live with them. By high school, learning had lost its power over me. I was tired of not fitting in and I was unable to reconcile so many things in my life. So I walked away. It is one of my deepest regrets in my life. But then again, I wouldn’t have met Chuck. Funny how life unfolds itself.

Now that Chuck and I are in college together, it feels like we are both enjoying our high school years once again. The other day he carried my books for me. You know, that has never happened before. I was pretty much invisible to boys in school. Which looking back isn’t such a bad thing-since my life was such a mess, adding a school romance would have only ended in a negative way.

As we head off to school together in the morning there is something special about our time together as we talk about the subjects that we are studying. Eating our peanut butter sandwiches together between classes seems divine. It’s like God has frozen time for us and given us this special gift. A gift-certificate to redeem the past of its shame and pain; in many ways it has enabled us to rewrite our story. Getting goosebumps and giddy because he wants to carry your books is such a great feeling. I am very grateful for this time we have together to not only learn about specific subjects but also, seeking God in how He might use our gifts and talents to bless others. God is in business of taking our ashes and turning them into something so beautiful.:)

A Day of Celebration!

2011-10-08T15:08:00.000-06:00

About this time last year I received a call from Maggie saying that Jonathan was really sick and she was heading to the hospital with him. From that moment on my life changed. Today we celebrate our year anniversary of God sparing Jonathan’s life and Chuck’s the following day. In many ways I can’t believe it has been year!

It is strange to think back at what your emotions and thoughts were as they raced through your mind. Such fear and anxiety filled my heart thinking that I wouldn’t be able to see my son again. The following day seeing my husband strapped to a bed with tons of tubes attached to him sucked out what breath I had left.

As we raced to find a flight to get out there, God was moving on so many hearts to help us. One thing I can say about this entire ordeal was how amazing God’s love was as it moved through his people. Unbelievable love and grace poured out through family, Facebook friends, school families, church families, writing friends, homeschool families, strangers, and many new friends.

Tomorrow we don’t just celebrate Chuck’s birthday but that he too, was spared from his serious car accident.

A year later and they are doing great.

Jonathan loves his freshman year at college. It is such a joy to hear him share with such enthusiasm how much he loves what he is studying. Yesterday when I saw him, I couldn’t help but give him lots of kisses. He tolerated my joy pretty well. One of the residual affects I see is that his appetite never came back. Other than that, he is doing fantastic.

Chuck recovery has been miraculous. To go from struggling to walk to going to college full time is absolutely amazing. The doctors tell us it will be at least one more year before we really know what lasting problems Chuck might have. I admire his determination throughout this ordeal. Brain injuries play by their own rules.

The gift God has given me by not taking my son and husband is indescribable. The journey has been long and filled with detours along the way. I know that we wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for the prayers of so many. Even today we get people telling us that they still pray for us. I can’t express how much that means to me. I feel like we have lived off of the love and prayers of so many. Thank you for you love and support.

Today is a day of joy and gratitude for me. We have walked through the valley of the shadow of death and God has been our healer and guide throughout.

21 Years Today

2011-09-29T10:36:00.000-06:00

Today Chuck and I celebrate 21 years of marriage. God spared Chuck's life last October and I am so grateful. I really don't know what I would have done had Chuck died. I quit using my camera last year right after the accident; it was like my vision turned from seeing in high definition to gray-scale. Without Chuck it didn’t seem like I was me any longer. When you grow up together there is a camaraderie that enhances your relationship, I believe. The support that each other gives to one another becomes foundational in the relationship.

Chuck has been my cheerleader all my life. Almost everything I do today is because he believed in me and told me that I could do it. I would not be in college that is for sure. Back when we lived in Iowa, it was Chuck who told me that I could get my GED. I was so afraid and I was sure they would turn me down at that door. But Chuck’s persistence pushed me through that first door.

When we decided that we would homeschool, it was Chuck who never, ever gave up on me as a teacher or mom. He was not only persistent but adamant that I was more than capable of teaching our children. His belief in me never wavered when we had bad days, bad weeks, or even a bad year.

I have never been able to look at the world through his “rose colored glasses” as I have been known to call them, but I am so glad he has chosen to keep them on, especially when he was looking at me. :)

Contemplating this year and seeing all of the extreme changes our lives have had to adjust to makes this year very precious to us. Realizing you have been given a second chance is an awesome responsibility. Last year as we read Loveand War by the Eldredges there was a section that stayed with both of us. Being married gives each person the awesome ability to view another person’s life intimately. That person gets to show the other one how special they are. You get the privilege to share in their life and calling. This is so true; no one knows me like Chuck and vice versa.

Walking hand in hand this year looked very different- sometimes it was supporting someone while they started taking their first steps again. Driving someone home from the hospital or driving someone to the hospital. Pushing each other in a wheelchair. Cheering you on in physical therapy. Sitting close while listening to what the doctor said. Holding one another as grief would surface.

This year could compete as one of the toughest years of our lives. But what we have gained through each experience might not have come any other way. I believe as the years pass we will be able to look back to this year and see the strength that we gained, the empathy, the faith, and the resilience. When walking through it, normally we don’t see these things.

21 years ago we decided to walk this life together. I am so grateful that Chuck said yes.:)

Marriage Monday- Communication

2011-09-12T22:16:00.001-06:00

http://www.chrysaliscafe.com

Marriage Monday is about communication in marriage today. Communication is so much more thanwords. It is the way we say them, how we say them and even what we don’t saysometimes speaks louder than words. One thing I have learned in the last yearis how much we can take for granted in a relationship. With Chuck’s injuries there was an immediatechange in our relationship which definitely changed how we communicated. Thefirst words he mouthed was, “I love you” while he was coming out of his coma. Nothingsweeter could have been said to me at that time. But as we started down this new journey somany things became evident about our new relationship. At first I had to be hisprotector and advocate much of our conversations were me being directive aswell as asking tons of health questions. As he started to heal and thingsstarted to calm down we realized that our conversations were less and lessabout communication and more about scheduling or health related issues. It wasthen that I realized how much we had lost; I just didn’t know if what wastemporary or permanent.

Ithink one of the biggest things that I have learned walking through all thiswas how much I leaned on Chuck for so many things. Our communication had becomenonverbal over the years as we became closer and closer. Just a look from meand he would know if I wanted to talk or spend time with him. These days that is allgone. Both of us are grieving the loss of the nonverbal communication that weboth had with each other. A certain touch on the hand could speak volumes. A squeeze of the shoulder could empower us to keep moving forward. Ithink that as married couples get older the get in a groove, if it is a goodgroove, then is a great thing. We had a great thing. Now we have accepted thatwe need to rebuild and we are looking at what we can learn instead of looking atwhat ground was lost, it’s a new adventure.

Both ofus are life time learners, so getting to know each other one more time is very gratifying. Talking with Chuck now, I have to watch my tone and how much I sayat one time. At first that really frustrated me, but now it is accepted and Iam learning to slow down. We walk at a different pace these days, as well as to adifferent tune. Tonight we talked about what makes each of us feel special,before the accident we both of us would’ve known. Despite all the changes we seek to understandeach other again and learn what we like.

The absence of something can speak louder thanjust about anything. At first I hated the silence, the unknown, the startingover. As I have been working with my grief, I have put on my adventurous hat andchosen to walk down this new path that God has for us. Who knows what God has in store for us? I know that His promises are true.

For I know the thoughts that Ithink toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give youa future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

I’d rather being digging ditches!

2011-08-18T10:36:00.000-06:00

From The Sparrow Still Falls

“I’d rather being digging ditches!” This is what I say almost every Tuesday or at least every Tuesday this summer. Counseling is much harder than one realizes, that is for sure. This week though, I felt like I was digging tunnels through impenetrable rock and I am not allow to use dynamite to blow it to smithereens.:) My counselor continues to encourage me by showing me that we are at the core issues of my life. That we have made it through the myriad layers that I have either put on or others have tried to dress me in. The work is exhausting, yet I am grateful to have this time to seek healing for myself like never before.

Just because we have made it to the core doesn’t mean that all the layers have been dealt with. I liken it to digging through a garbage bag of clothes just trying to figure out where the bottom is. The clothes still need to be sorted into piles of what to keep, what to throw out, and “what was I thinking?”

When I started counseling the goal was to find out who I was and how to put the past behind me. My goals have somewhat changed due to the last year, yet I am finding out who I am as each layer is removed. In many ways I am really starting to understand how much of the past has affected me today. Throw in a few life and death health crises in the last year and that pretty much sums me up. :)

Dealing with trauma is very interesting. In my life it has been constant companion of sorts. The first time I looked at a whiteboard that was filled with my trauma I couldn’t seem to catch my breath. It was so overwhelming for me. But the tools that I have learned have enabled me to take each incident as its own entity, instead of a web that can leave me entangled and powerless. I am taking back my power one incident at a time. The release of energy in motion or emotion that has been trapped inside of me is exhilarating and draining all in one. The key for me is not only forgiveness as so many are so quick to bring up; but releasing the whole situation. I can release my emotions from that time, but also the emotions that come with the effects of abuse or trauma. Then how the Lord the steps in and shows me where He was then and where He is today is so incredibly healing and life giving. The focus is not just on the one who caused the problem, but the problem, the side effects, and my poor coping skills. This is followed by replacing the situation in its entirety with forgiveness, speaking something positive over the situation, and finally getting my hope back. One situation can take a chunk of time to work through, but it is so worth it.

During this process I have had to come face to face with lots of things that were not pleasant to talk about, accept, or deal with; yet I have not felt manipulated one time. It is my journey of self-discovery not someone else’s. I don’t feel like I am being “fixed” by any means. The control has been given back to me and that freedom is not something I can describe in words very easily. I am reminded of a commercial not too long ago where young women were coming into a store and being able to “purchase” or pick out what they wanted in life, such as; what type of job, children, car, house, etc. For me, I get to go back and take back where my power was stolen, where my voice was muffled, and loose the ties that bound my hands and feet. Realizing you have choices in life where you really can choose what you want to do is freeing. One doesn’t have to be feel trapped by circumstances that can easily overwhelm a person. Most of my life I think I have lived with feeling overwhelmed and that hampers your perspective of what can and can’t be done. There are more choices in situations that I realized. This revelation alone has empowered me in my daily life as well as dealing with the past.I think in many ways I am getting stronger or maybe I am just realizing how strong I am. Either way, God's grace has been more than sufficient for me.

Learning to Let Go of What Was

2011-07-28T23:55:00.000-06:00

Life in our home is so different now. Jonathan is getting ready to leave for college in two weeks, Chuck and I are finishing up our college classes from the summer semester. Both of us are looking forward to teaching at FACE this next year. In many ways things are moving forward. Both of us are getting stronger each day. Chuck has done very well with his two classes. I am up and moving, I even painted! It feels good to not be in crisis mode, that is for sure.

Yet, adapting to a new way of life has not come without challenges. I would love to say that I just start singing when the strain of so many new situations, and in some ways new relationships press in. But I don't. Many times I just want to run away. I want to justify my frustrations with " haven't I been through enough, I have paid my dues." Of course I know that isn't how life works. So instead I try to stay busy so I don't have to think about the new many changes. This coping mechanism only works for so long, then it just adds to the tension and stress. At the end of the day you are forced to look at how you only have the power to change yourself.

Last Saturday we went to church and God met us. Our Pastor for the last few weeks on mourning the death of a dream or situation. That is where we are right now, learning to let go of what was. Blessed are those that mourn, for they shall be comforted. Both Chuck and I have different places where we are grieving since the accident. One for the loss of his abilities, the other for the relationship we once had. Saturday night the Pastor anointed those that were grieving the end of one season and waiting for the next season to start. Part of the grief, is that you don't want to let go, you desperately want things to stay the way they were. Both of us went up to be anointed and then we went through a tunnel of joy- the leadership lined up to speak over all of us that were grieving. A lady I didn't know grabbed my hand and didn't let go, in many ways it felt like the hand of God letting me know that He is with us through all of it.

Once we were back in our seats the Pastor asked for people to raise their hands who needed a financial breakthrough. Both Chuck and I had the same consternation, do we raise our hands at this moment? I know that I will need full-time work by the end of the year so we raised our hands separately. Two sweet women who didn't know us started to pray and one of the lady's started praying for the trauma, I just broke. Then men came around to pray of Chuck's brain. It was so wonderful to have others praying for him. I felt so supported, especially emotionally and spiritually.

There are more unknowns right now than certainties; except that the Lord will walk with us through all of these changes. But it can be very difficult to see the forest for the trees. :) Spiritually speaking I need to take my macro lens off and put my wide angle on so I can see the realm of possibilities rather than one particular spot. One way I have done this was by joining a support group online for survivors and caregivers of TBI. Listening to other wives share their stories has been eye opening and encouraging. In so many, many ways Chuck has been spared, it truly is a miracle. But there is still loss and for now and we are dealing with it the best we know how. Our hope and comfort lie in the Lord. He has walked with us this far, I know he will continue.

But sometimes I feel like a child who was playing in the clothes rack focused on something neat only to find that we don't know where our parent went in the store. But. since I have been that parent, I know that I was watching the child the whole time. Nevertheless, it feels good to feel the presence of the Lord with so much uncertainty. Jeremiah 29:11 is my anchor of hope- For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

For FACE families

2011-07-21T19:27:00.000-06:00

TMV©2007

The fall semester is just around the corner! I am looking forward to teaching two new classes as well as teaching Photo I, II, and Fun Photography for Kids. Here is some information that you might need for any of these classes:

Photo I if your student is in high school and is planning on lettering, your student may only miss one field trip. Here is the schedule for field trips, but please note it may change due to weather. Fun with Photography Class may attend these field trips, but must be accompanying by a parent. Please note that your student will need to have an 8x10 matted print for critique every month.

Monthly Field Trips:

September 17, 2011 South Park Colorado for fall shooting
October 22, 2011 Downtown Denver for architecture shooting
November 12, 2011 304 Pinyon St, Frederick, CO (my house) For portrait shooting, and lighting techniques
January 21, 2012 Estes Park, Colorado for winter shooting
February 18, 2012 Train Museum
March 24, 2012 Denver Zoo
April 14, 2012 Denver Botanical Gardens,

Fun Photography For Kids Schedule: Parents must bring items on list except for the weeks where it is a new calender. The highlighted dates I will bring items 9-6-11, 10-4-11, 11-1-11, 1-3-12, 1-31-12, 2-28-12,3-27-11 Here is the schedule for the year. I tried to pick things that we would have around our house. Please make sure that your student brings his/her camera every week.

September

6^th Intro-Scavenger hunt, calendar

13^th Fall flowers

20 Fall produce, apples

27^th Fall leaves

October

4^th Calendar- Scavenger Hunt My family

11^th Family- baby dolls, barbies, houses, little farmer

18^th Family Tree- family portraits

25^th Personal pictures personal portraits

November

1at Calendar, Thanksgiving-

8^th Picture Frames-grandparents, aunts

15^th Photo Ornament- Hand-print

22^nd Thanksgiving no classes

29^th Christmas Cards

January

3^th Calendar – Scavenger Hunt Winter

10^th Snow Flakes –snow or ice

17^th Clothes- winter

24^th Sports winter skiing, sledding

31st Calendar- Love Scavenger Hunt

February

7^th Valentines-hearts and cards Red, Pink,

14^th Valentines party food

21^st Black & White dice, checker board, cow, upc symbol

28th Calendar- Intro to Animals Scavenger Hunt

March

6^th Animal Book

13^th Animal Book

20 Animal Book

27^th Calendar Apil

April

10^th Weather 1 Scavenger Hunt making rain

17^th Flowers

24^th Class party

Photo II Requirements and links for software

Laptop with Photoshop Elements , turning in 4x6's weekly, bringing camera last Tuesday of the month.

In this class we will look at a weekly theme and the student will bring back 4x6 images of the homework the from the following week. Students may share a laptop, but no more than two per computer. We will be exploring how to manipulate photos, create montages, and presentations.

Lightroom Class

Requirements: Links for software

: Laptop with Adobe Lightroom 3 so that the student may work with photos three times a month. The fourth Tuesday they will need their cameras where we will look at flash photography. Students may share laptops, but no more than two to a computer please. We will work on flash photography once a month and learn the ins and outs of lightroom.

Journalism Class

Requirements and links for book

Must be able to finish homework assignments on time . We will assist those that create FACE's yearbook and the end of the year.

Please email me at tonyavan@gmail.com if you have any questions pertaining these classes at FACE.

I look forward to working with your children this year. Thank you all so much for all your love and support you have given our family over the last year. We would not have made it through without you!

The Second Wave-part two

2011-06-26T00:42:00.001-06:00

It has been a while since I have written about our story. I started this at the beginning of the year. So much has happened since then with my back problems that led to surgery. Not to mention all the bumps in the road Chuck has had. I hope to finish our story soon. But if you missed the first wave, it is right here.

I woke Maggie up. Groggy from not getting much sleep herself, she said that Chuck hadn't made it to the camp, and in fact she fell asleep in the chair waiting for him. My heart started to panic when she told me this. She said that she would look around the camp and call me back. While she did that, I decided to go look outside to the parking lot to see if Chuck had fallen asleep in the car because he got lost and just chose to come back to the hospital. By the time the elevator doors opened and I was on the main floor, tears were falling down my cheeks. I just knew that something had happened. As I raced outside into the humid morning, I ran across the street to see if the car we rented was there. I tried to calm my mind and think of what type of car we had, but, the model escaped me. I walked up to each car looking for Chuck. One man was sleeping in a car, but it wasn't my husband. By now I was crying out to God, asking if Chuck was alive and was he safe. There were so many visions of him being beaten, stabbed, or shot, circling in my mind. Years ago on the news, there were all these robberies and murders that happened to tourists that visited Florida. And of course as I was all ready in panic mode, the enemy just planted more fear and terror into my heart. So I stopped and prayed in the parking lot. And God gave me this sliver of peace. I knew he was alive, but nothing else.
I went back upstairs and called Maggie. She let know that she didn't find him.

What transpired next, in some ways was more traumatic then seeing Chuck for the first time laying deathly still on a gurney hooked up to every type of tube imaginable. Racing back to Jonathan's room, I opened my laptop and I googled where we were and where Chuck was supposed to drive to. I found Gainesville, Waldo, and Alachua County. So I started calling different places trying to find out if Chuck had been in an accident or if someone attacked him. I haven't had to do something like this in years, but what I experienced on the phone, I hope no one will EVER have to. Gainesville and Waldo didn't even know the two main roads that were close the campground. I could see them on Google maps, but they couldn't. I was beyond exasperated with them. No one informed me that Florida Highway Patrol took care of all car accidents. I didn't find this out until I had my fender bender two days later. I ended up calling the Highway Patrol, but they wouldn't tell me anything except to say that I may want to call the hospitals. Two hours later after multiple phone calls and being put on hold, I found out that Chuck was in at the other hospital in town. By that point, I was just about inconsolable, especially when they told me he was in ICU.

Two things worked against me during that morning. Working as a 911 operator and having greater expectations than Florida communications could produce. Secondly, the trauma department isn't like the medical intensive unit. I worked as a ward clerk for University hospital and I was the first person families saw when their loved ones were hospitalized. I hope I never treated anyone the way we were treated where Chuck was, with cold and indifferent attitudes.

The doctor explained to me on the phone that Chuck had been in a car accident and was intabated, sedated, and suffered broken ribs, collar bone, and shoulder blade. It wasn't until days later that the finally got around to telling me about the brain injury. As they pieced out the information to me; which I saw it as very unprofessional for them to do. I explained to the doctor that I was in North Regional on the cardiac floor with my 17 year old son who was going to have a heart catheter to rule out if he indeed did have have a heart attack. By this point I was failing miserably to stay calm in front of my son. I was pacing and crying as the nurses came in to find out what was wrong. I tried so desperately to keep it all together, for I didn't want to cause Jonathan to stress out and have another episode. But when he asked the nurses to give me oxygen, I realized that I had failed at keeping calm.

I had to call Maggie and tell her what happened. I honestly can't remember much of that conversation other than she said she had to shower and she would be on her way. Next the doctors came in to Jonathan's room and told me that they would wait to do the catheter until I came back from to the other hospital. They were so understanding. The following day, one of Jonathan's cardiologists called me and told me that he would drive me around town, if I needed it. The differences between both hospitals were like night and day. North Florida Regional was warm and inviting and went way beyond the call of duty towards us in our time of great need.

Chuck's hospital just couldn't understand that I had my son in North Regional and if I was going to wait in the waiting room, I wanted to wait with him at his hospital. They made me wait the first few days for no reason. It was so frustrating.

So Maggie picks me up and we find the other hospital. I race up to the ICU only to find an indifferent voice on the other line telling me I had to wait. I slammed down the phone. My patience had run dry. I just wanted to see my husband. Looking back, I felt like I was displaying character traits of Shirley MacLaine in Terms of Endearment where she is screaming at the nurse to giver her daughter her pain medicine. And the nurse is indifferent and says she will be there in a few minutes and then Shirley unloads on her. That scene comes to mind when I think of that first few hours when I was able to see Chuck for the first time.

So, Maggie and I see this big guy coming to get me, we are pretty sure it is security, but later we find out he is their social worker for the trauma floor. I didn't care if who was coming after me, I just wanted to see my husband, and that was it. As we walked into to his room and I saw Chuck lying still on the bed with every type of tube coming out of him, I almost lost it. I turned around and paced for a minute while I tried to catch my breath. There is the searing pain that enters your heart and gut all at the same time. I have only had this experience one other time and that is when I saw Elizabeth's casket and how small it was. Even then, I had to walk off the pain.

Once I regained my exposure we walked into the room. My purse drop to the ground with a big thud. I said, "Let's pray." And then I laid my hand upon his head as I asked God to spare his life. To heal him from head to toe. As I was praying, I could feel the power of God flow through my hand. At that point, I knew that he would be okay. When I looked up, the social worker had just said amen . At that moment, I knew he would help us and he did.

Chuck seemed so lifeless lying on that bed. I squeezed his hand longing for a response, but there wasn't any. The trauma doctor who saved his life came in and gave me the news. I liked him. He was straight forward and asked about our son. He told me that Chuck was badly hurt, but that he would live. But it was going to take a lot of time for Chuck to heal.

At that moment my heart felt like it was being ripped in two. I had a son a mile down the road needing his mother as he was being tested for major heart issues. As I stared at my husband's body lying on the bed with the only movement coming from machines that was keeping him alive, I felt such a void in my heart, what was I to do? Chuck was hurt, but stable. The nurse now had my number, they could call me so that I could go back to Jonathan so, he could have his cath-test. I said a quick prayer and kissed Chuck and forced my legs to walk out of the room.

The Detour

2011-06-25T23:40:00.000-06:00

I am not sure if I am more of an idealist or realist. I get these ideas in my head and start off thinking everything will be fine. Kind of like the first week or month of homeschooling each fall, I am excited about our new curriculum and for some reason the kids aren't. Every year I would be stumped by this. :) You would have thought that I would have learned my lesson by the time the kids finished school.

But this time I was sure that my plan would work. 30 days of Joy 30 days in June-perfect. What I wasn't counting on was the issues with my surgery. I think in my mind, I was going in, have the surgery come home recover, but overall, I would be able to move forward. Things starting unraveling before I ever left the hospital.

Yesterday was three weeks since my surgery. I don't use my walker much, this is a major improvement. I can stand up straight! Yet I seem to have little stamina. I was hoping by the third week that I would be up and moving more, but that hasn't happened. One of the only things that I have been able to keep up with has been my college studies. I hope my strength returns soon, for I many things to finish.

I am grateful for the surgery, that is for sure. I am also grateful for the prayers of my friends and family. I know things will look up soon, but in the meantime, I will try to allow for the time that I need to heal.

Joy days 10-12

2011-06-12T22:55:00.000-06:00

I don't have the birthday pics edited. This was from a few years ago. :) His exuberance has never left him.

This weekend we celebrated Jonathan's 18 birthday. It was bittersweet to say the least. How could this little boy, then a young inquisitive boy who tried to stump his parents with such hard questions turn into this young man stepping into adulthood. We have so much to be grateful for, thinking that we could have lost him this eight months ago, doesn't leave us so quickly. But I have to say that my heart feels so divided, I have such joy and sorrow wrapped into one. And no matter how joyful one is, if someone is missing, it just isn't the same. As my heart quietly weeps within.

My Joy for each day:
Day 10 Dinner with Chuck and Jonathan celebrating as a family. Laughter, love, and looking forward to Jonathan's future.
Day 11 Jonathan's birthday. Watching friends and family come to celebrate with him.
Day 12 Remembering antics and situations we find funny now, but not when they happened. :)

Some days are filled with the obvious- but some day takes a decision to look. Today was one of those days.

Joy days 3-9 yes, I am behind

2011-06-10T00:18:00.000-06:00

You know I really think I have a serious problem guesstimating on how long things will take. I thought I might be down just a few days for my surgery-what could go wrong? Well-lots. But trust me you don't want to know all the gory details. Suffice to say, I am back-clear minded and virtually without much pain. YEAH!! So today I am glad to finish my week's work in school. I was very worried that I wouldn't finish on time. Beside one low grade,grrr... I am happy. But complications from surgery could have affected that test, right?
Getting back your clarity of thought makes all the difference in the world. I did miss my open house for school and I know many people had questions that Chuck couldn't answer. What does one do? I had to have the surgery. The surgeons told us that there was more to clean up once they opened me up. The completely understood all my pain and I why I couldn't stand upright. Now I can :)

So I want to make a list for the last few days that brought me joy or comfort:

The ability of stand upright!!
Getting off the hardcore pain pills!
Having the surgery-I really needed it.
Having such faithful friends pray for me, especially on some dark days. Love you guys!
Having AWESOME nurses. I never had great nurses before. The were very kind and caring not only to me, but to Chuck, too.
Having my son home from CA. We missed him so much!
Getting my college work finished on time and bit early even though I was down four days.
Watching True Grit with my family tonight-such a good movie.
Being able to sleep on my side!! (though not in my bed)
Being able to blog without stress!

I didn't take the time to take any pictures other than Chuck took one of my stapled back. But that picture won't leave his phone. He has no desire to see Jesus quite yet. :) In so many ways the last week has been one of purging of many things, most of them all good for me.

In search of Joy Day 2

2011-06-02T19:40:00.000-06:00

The plan today looked like this; while Chuck was at college, I would work on next week's art homework. Then on to working on next week's psychology. Head to PT in the afternoon and then tutor through the evening. But my body wouldn't cooperate. Insomnia decided to join the party and sleep evaded me until 9am this morning. The wonderful side effect of the pain pills I am on. When days like this come, I am easily overwhelmed with guilt and frustration. These two emotions are like Much -Afraid's companions, where she had to plug her ears to quit hearing the accusations.

But today, I tried to look around and see what was good and faithful even when I can't keep my own schedule. I didn't have to look very far. My sweet husband who has graciously taken care of me, since my back has been out in February. His poor, grieved face kept looking at me all day. His forlorn silence filled the space between us. You see, he hates hospitals. And he hates me going into the hospital more than anything. He felt this before his accident, but since his accident certain personality traits are more dominant than before. His concern for me is one of them.

So I have tried to make him laugh a few times today hoping to break the apprehension he is carrying around. What can I say, but how much I love him. How caring he is, how sweet, how devoted. Though our lives are radically different than before, our love for each other has stayed the same. He is my joy not only today, but everyday. But today, he seemed to shine a little brighter as he graciously created excuses of why I shouldn't have gone to PT or teach.

My hubby, my joy.

¹⁰ For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.
      But woe to him who is alone when he falls,
      For he has no one to help him up.
       ¹¹ Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm;
      But how can one be warm alone?
       ¹² Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him.
      And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

Ecclesiastes 4:10-12

In search of Joy Day 1

2011-06-01T23:30:00.000-06:00

In the last month I have realized that my smile is missing, or at least it doesn't seem to show up as often. I am not sure if my fatigue comes from the continual change that seems to have hijacked my life or if it is all the stupid pain pills that I have to take just to sit upright. Everyday this week, both Chuck and I have counted down the days until my surgery. It's what we use to encourage each other. There are so many things are effected by my back being out. We are hoping and praying that this surgery will enable us to get back to moving forward with our new life. But my back is only one thing that has rearranged our lives.

So I find myself longing to enjoy our new normal. And I find that my well is dry. So I am going on a search to find things each day that bring me joy. I long to change my focus, I need to redirect my eyes and my attitude. I am looking forward to finding the activities that I loved to do and the new ones that I didn't know I liked. I am planning on finding or taking pictures each day for the next month that brings me joy and blogging about it. I hope you will join me as I purposely look for things each day that God brings my way that brings me joy.

This picture is one of my lessons from my Modern Art Class that I absolutely love! The Slave Ship Oil
on canvas, 2’ 11/16” X 4’ 5/16” by Joseph Mallord William Turner. It was painted in 1840. It is also known as, "Slavers Throwing overboard the Dead and Dying—Typhoon coming on"
Today as I wrote my critique, I was able to combine what I have learned from one of my history classes and philosophy class. Taking this class brings me joy than I thought it would. Each day I eagerly read my lesson. I am blessed to be able to follow my dream, to discover new loves, and continue to learn new and amazing facts.

The joy for today: My art class and what I am learning.

I would love to have others join me on my journey. If you post, please let me know , I would love to see what brings you joy.

Songs of Deliverance

2011-04-10T22:44:00.000-06:00

You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble

and surround me with songs of deliverance.

Psalm 32:7

This morning during worship an acapella trio sang God is for You. Their sweet voices brought me back to the last night Chuck was in the hospital in Florida. We were struggling to get a rental car and I was so overwhelmed by the enormity of trying to drive Chuck across country. I was sitting off in a corner of a small waiting room praying with my dear friend, Paula. Tears were flowing down my cheeks as this couple came around the corner. They asked if I was okay. I told them that I was and tried to put on a brave face. They started to walk off only to come back and ask me what was wrong. As I explained our situation, this sweet couple walked into Chuck's hospital room and poured oil into our souls. The gentleman was a pastor and he began to share his testimony of how he couldn't walk and how God over time healed him. Then he prayed over us. When he was finished his wife sang the most beautiful rendition of Amazing Grace I ever heard. It was the closest thing to an angelic visitation I have ever been aware of. Her voice infused us with hope and faith. When she finished Amanda, Chuck, and I were all sobbing. I fell into her arms and she prayed over me. I can't really remember what she prayed, for I was weeping so. As they left our room, they laid some money on the bed for our trip home. That day had been so miraculous and difficult all rolled into one.

But as these singers this morning sang, once again, I felt God's love and strength come from their song of deliverance. This last week had a been tough; lots of old issues came up for me. Not to mention that my hip has been out for over eight weeks. The fatigue of that alone has kept me very frustrated. As I let their sweet melody infuse my soul, it blew away all my fear and frustrations and left me in peace. For God is for us.

There is much to say for songs like that; where the melody and the words deliver our souls from fear, shame, guilt, and pride. What a treasure we have as others use their gifts for the Lord. I left church today feeling renewed and energized for the week ahead. Their gentle reminder rebuilt my faith for, God is for us.

Coincidentally today is the six month mark since Chuck accident and Jonathan's heart issues. God has been very faithful to our family. But sometimes, you need to be recharged to keep walking the path that God has for you. Today was one of those days for me.

Trust: What Characterizes a Marriage

2011-03-09T01:52:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about this month’s topic for a couple of days. I am grateful to be a part of Marriage Monday, even if I am posting in the wee hours of Wednesday.

My conclusion; trust in a marriage in paramount. I went to Dictionary.com to make sure I really knew what the word meant, I did not just want my experience of either having trust or having it broken to define what I thought it meant. I learned a considerable amount in how a five letter word and how could impact us all so much. What I gleaned with the various definitions was that trust comes with great assurances but also great responsibilities. I am not sure if that is taught today in society.

Trust is something that is earned by demonstrating integrity and the ability to rely on someone or something. But trust can also mean the expectation of something, or hope. It also is a word to demonstrate care, safekeeping, and custody.

I believe all of these definitions characterize a marriage. I know that I went in with hope that Chuck and I would create a life that was very different from our childhood. But I lacked in the ability to rely on him for quite some time. My trust as a child and teen had been violated many times. Loving Chuck in many ways was easier than trusting him. That might seem strange to some, but it was where I started and when things became rough it was normally where I retreated to. This is where I believe faith in God makes a difference in a marriage. Sometimes it is hard to trust the spouse in a certain area, but one can trust God with that area and have peace through the process of change.

One of the greatest ways trust is built and maintained is through the safekeeping of each other’s hearts. I have grown up with Chuck. We married young and we had much to learn and overcome in learning how to communicate and treat each other.

Then there is another phase where your spouse changes in something that they have always done, and you have to adjust to the new growth. That period of time can be hard to walk through. Both Chuck and I have changed considerably over the years. If we weren’t flexible with those changes, we wouldn’t have survived.

Learning to open my heart to hope has in some ways been one of the hardest lessons to master. Right now I am struggling with this. Last year after our trip to the West, we came back so renewed and filled with hope for the future. We both felt like the Lord spoke clearly to us about our ministry. I was looking forward to college and Jonathan’s last year of high school. Then everything changed. I am not trying to whine or anything, but walking through these trials have been difficult. The hardest part is waiting on Chuck’s brain to heal and believing that it will continue to heal. I have come to terms that if Chuck’s brain didn’t heal anymore, than my love for him wouldn’t change. But we would have to learn how to communicate with each other; in many ways that is already happening. Yet, it’s hard to adjust to a new way living, especially when it is a radical change.

One of the biggest blessings I have is that we have walked through so much and not only survived but thrived, so I know we will get through this, too. We are leaning on what we have built to strengthen us on this new path that seems to have very steep inclines and deep crevices. I guess in many ways, Chuck and I have worked through so many issues that our trust for each other has been tested and tried.

One of my favorite Scriptures that has anchored me in many a storm is Philippians 1:6 being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;

I can put my trust in this for me and for Chuck. What God started in us individually and in our marriage, He will complete it. :)

Season of Celebration

2011-02-19T06:48:00.000-07:00

“Season of Celebration”
A Collection of Photography

Open House Fundraiser
February 26, 2011
1pm-5pm
304 Pinyon Street
Fredrick, Colorado 80530

Counseling take-ten

2011-02-16T23:13:00.000-07:00

Today Chuck and I went to counseling. When Chuck started, it was supposed to be just for him. I was already seeing someone and doing just fine on my own. But you know God has a funny way of moving things around. It all started when the first neurologist suggested I stay in the sessions to help Chuck with areas that he might not see since the brain injury. I have to tell you, I wasn't excited with this news, nope not at all. So when Chuck had his next session I had to explain to the therapist why the neurologist wanted me in there. At first it looked like it was going to blow up in my face. But we were all willing to work through it and so far, it has been awesome. Mario, our therapist, has become like a mirror for us. He shares what he hears us say. There hasn't bee a time where Chuck and I said, "Are you sure that is what you heard?" Mind you, this isn't against each other, like me against Chuck, but this is us trying to tell our story. Mario says he thinks we are great orators, and yet we need some help in communicating. :) Like I said, he is this mirror.

So today we were sharing about how we aren't connecting as a couple since the brain injury and the stuff that comes along with it. So when we get done sharing he pegs Chuck as the distancing one and me more, lets see he called it contact. Chuck and I are looking at him like he lost his mind. I distance myself more than anyone I know, yet Mario was saying Chuck did that. But what we didn't get in the conversation was how we actually handled conversation and not social situations. HUGE light bulb went off for both of us! We are learning why we have been misunderstood so many times. We come away going, oh... that is why that happened. So someone who distances themselves in conversation doesn't mean that they don't run the household. No more than someone who makes contact, like I am right here engaged doesn't mean that they run the household. I thought I would share that little tid-bit with you. Because this has been something that has plagued us for a very, very long time. Assumptions have been made that Chuck is a certain way and I am another way, and we all know what happens when we assume, don't we. :)

So where does that leave us? In a place with greater understanding and greater compassion and not just for ourselves but others who have been labeled something that they weren't while trying to get help. Today I learned that I really, really don't like conflict. But if I have to confront I am going to make it count, thus contact. And contact doesn't mean physical touch at all, it is just a style where you are engaged. Whereas Chuck will insert himself if he wants to, but doesn't necessarily have to. Again this isn't based off of roles, but styles of communication. Neither one of us feel like we are being "fixed" but guided to a greater understanding. This shift in perspective has brought me freedom in ways that I would have never, ever thought possible, especially as a Christian. Removing the blame, guilt, and shame opens the path to understanding, grace, compassion, forgiveness, and repentance. For me, it had to start with me, for I am my harshest critic.

Firing my own voice has taken more courage than I ever thought I had. Because I am such an introvert and live inside my head, you can see the dilemma of firing yourself. Purging myself of past words spoken over me from the time I was little to last year has brought a confidence that I never thought I could posses. But it wasn't just a purging, it was an inspection of my beliefs and why I believed what I believed. I bet you can see now why I love my philosophy class so much. :) But in actuality, I just wanted to stop making the same mistakes over and over. The only difference was that these poor decisions appeared in different shades and hues, but in essence it was the same mistake.

One of the greatest things that happened this summer is that my walk with the Lord has opened up to a place of freedom that I desperately needed. And I am seeking Him, I have also learned so much about me. It wasn't the wife Tonya, the mother Tonya, the daughter Tonya, it was just Tonya. Now I know that we are never very objective when it comes to ourselves, but nevertheless, I had to learn what I liked and what I didn't. During this process many things have come to the light, if you will. Hidden under all this performance, conformity, and fear was this little girl that desperately needed healing and acceptance. I also have started dealing with the rebellious angry teenager, the shame-filled victim of sexual abuse, the abandoned daughter, and the fearful mother. And all of this has been happening as Chuck and Jonathan heal. I can tell you that I wouldn't have chosen this time to do all this, but God knows what He is doing. :) For all of these hidden emotions and fears have popped up since the summer through today. But this time I am facing them differently than ever before. I seek for understanding over being fixed. I look for grace rather than blame.

Now, I am not saying that it flows like Julie Andrews singing that the hills are alive with music-but I am more aware and I realize that I have a choice and that choice only involves my reaction. For, I can not change anyone else or even the circumstances, just how I respond to them. Giving up the idea that I had control has brought a greater degree of peace than I have ever known in my life. It is still a process and one that we must be patient with ourselves and those around us. I still get worked up and feel fear about our situation, but that fear is loosing it's grip. Hopefully, I too, can say that my name has been changed from much-afraid to grace and glory.

I am so, very glad that we are in counseling.

A different kind of Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T23:43:00.000-07:00

Change is not something I am good at. I have always wished I was more flexible in life. When I used to go bowling, my nick-name was Lurch. I don't bend easily. Maybe that is why I am drawn to the weeping willows. They bend and fly freely, while I stay upright and unmovable.

Trying to get through today simply exposed the deep -seated places of grief in my heart. Valentine's Day, one of my favorite, favorite days. Almost all holidays are my favorite days. Besides there is something to celebrating love, family, our independence, Christ birth, Christ's resurrection, Presidents day, even grandparents day. I wanted my kids to remember how we celebrated all of those days and how we made them special.

But now my kids are older and it isn't the same. I sent them E-cards, but I was very sad while I did it. I miss getting out the heart shaped pan and baking a heart cake for them. I miss the days of celebration, more than I ever thought I would. Part of it is just them growing up, but part of it isn't. And the process of change is doleful to the soul.

I remember looking back and feeling overwhelmed by school and the holidays when the kids were younger. Little did I realize how quickly time goes by and they are gone, off living their lives and doing what they are called to do. These are the days that you can't prepare for, you just have to work through it.

Chuck was surprised when I told him that I was grieving the kids today. "They aren't your valentine, I am. " he responded. :)
I smiled at him and gave him a hug. Such big changes since this summer. Expectations of what the last year of Jonathan's high school would look like were full of hope and excitement. None of us had any idea how radically different it would be.

Lives were spared, but altered for life. Accepting the fullness of change takes time. Hopefully by next Valentines Day I will have a new spring in my step. But for now, I take comfort in the treasured memories we made as a family and look forward to growth from this painful season. I have learned that in the deepest times of sorrow comes some of the sweetest lessons learned.

My Christian Testimony

2011-02-07T22:24:00.009-07:00

Marriage Monday chose My Christian Testimony. Oh my goodness, so many words, memories and stories have reemerged just thinking about my testimony. :) So I decided I would look up the definition. It helped. I will share my confession of faith and where there was evidence, two definitions and definitely two different lives. :)

If you were to ask me what day I was saved on, I would say August 14,1990. My husband would say August 15, 1990. This debate has been going for over twenty years. :) Because the following day, which version you choose, he asked me to marry him. I always said it would take an act of God for me to get married. Little did I know how true that would be.

But in heart, I believe I knew the Lord at a much younger age. When I was a toddler, maybe three years old, my grandfather would take out of Sunday school so I could watch the people "drown" as I called it. I was mesmerized by the baptisms. I think the first time I really felt the Presence of God was in a church in West Virginia and I saw my grandfather weep. Beautiful hymns were being sung quietly by everyone around us and he was sitting on the pew with his head on his arms resting on the pew in front of him. I had never seen my grandfather cry, ever. I idolized my grandfather. I had to know what had moved him to tears. I think that experience caused me hunger for the Lord. By the time I was twelve, living back in Colorado I was baptized in the church that they still attend in Wheat Ridge.

But like I said, it was just a confession, my life would take a sharp turn and I followed a path that led to every type of destruction until I was nineteen. My teen years were filled with violence, shame, drugs, suicide attempts, rage, and drinking that have taken years to heal. At the age of twelve I was raped by a young man that was living in our home. I started drinking in my closet. At school I was mocked because I was overweight, so much so that the children tied a rope to a tree and threatened to hang me. The school incident led to me attending six elementary schools, three for one day. That summer, my mother threw me out of the house. I would have to say that my twelfth year wasn't my best year. But there is always a silver lining in every cloud. For some reason I chose to get baptized and I met Anna, who took me into her home and loved me. In all truth, she kept me from completely destroying myself, but just barely.

Throughout my early teen years I lived with almost every family member on my mother's side. I really didn't want to live with anyone other than Anna, but she wasn't technically family, so I bounced around a lot. I even lived with her sister for a short time when I turned fourteen. I was angry, rebellious, hurt, and seeking relief from this mountain of pain inside of me, and yet I didn't even realize it. I went from one bad relationship to another. I was arrested twice and stayed in a shelter for teens two times. By the time I was fifteen, I dropped out of school and moved into my first apartment. I had always had a good work ethic. I loved to work, but I loved drinking more and in the end, drinking won out. As my savings dwindled I started to search for my biological father. And I found him. Late that year I packed up what I had and moved to Virginia where he was living.

Meeting your dad for the first time can be very scary, but not for me. I was angry. I had questions and I expected him to answer. I lived in a home filled with domestic violence as a child, in fact we lived in three battered homes before the age of eleven. So I wondered what he had been doing while my step-father was beating my mom and we had to move from house to house. His response didn't help his case at all. He had lived in Saudi Arabia and spent what he earned on booze, women, and that lifestyle. It took me a long time to forgive him of that. But when I walked into the house and saw my baby picture on his wall, I knew that he loved me. His wife took a liking to me and helped me quit drinking and even tried to get me into a community college, but I failed the entry exam. It would take over twenty years before I would have the courage to try it again. But my dad and I didn't get along very well, and after I finished driving school and received my license, I flew back home.

I felt so deflated and rejected, I started drinking on the flight home. I lived with Anna for a short time until I found a job. While looking in the paper I came upon an ad about education, for some reason I called and they set me up for an interview. I was so excited, but didn't have any clothes to wear. I borrowed my grandmother's brown tweed jacket and skirt. Somewhere I have a picture of me in it!

During the interview I was shown this marvelous presentation of how parents could help their children in school. Right then and there I whipped out my checkbook and asked how much does it cost! After that I was taken into see Marie, she was the boss. She told me that I didn't meet the requirements, I wasn't eighteen and I didn't finish high school, but she would make an exception for me. At that moment, I felt like I had landed the dream job! It took five months before I really realized that I was selling encyclopedias door to door. I really thought that I was qualifying families for this wonderful product. That year I was second in sales. I earned a all expenses paid trip to Tahiti for nine days the age of seventeen. My entire life changed after that trip. I was career minded, my goal was to work in the New York offices as soon as I could. Everything was going as planned, until Chuck stepped into the picture. :)

Chuck was Marie's nephew. She hired him and from the beginning, I didn't like him. :) It is true! He couldn't sell a thing. So while in Vegas, I had too much to drink the night before, so as punishment Marie gave me Chuck to train and we were told not to come back until he wrote his first order. Well, as you can imagine, I wasn't too happy. So I told him to knock on that trailer, for we were in a trailer park that housed lots of military families. And wouldn't you know it, he wrote an order. The first door! After that, he couldn't seem to write orders unless he was with me. Well, working together all the time meant we talked a lot. We struck up a friendship first. We talked of our dreams and goals in life. Both of us came from single parent homes and we didn't want our children to go through that. But I told him that I wasn't getting married. Oh, how that sentiment changed. :) I fell head over heals in love with him. I even got fired. Marie fired me for fraternization on the job. We moved in together shortly after my firing. It didn't take long for Marie to hire me back and on trip to California we got saved.

In Barstow, California Chuck and I were supposed to be working, but it was hot. So we went to a movie instead. We chose to watch the movie Ghost. While watching a scene where the demons come and get the bad guys, Chuck's heart went cold. Now while all this is going on, my Uncle is on vacation and God tells him to pray for us. So they pull over to the side of the road and they prayed, the same day we came to know the Lord. To this day, this part of the story amazes me, every time I tell it. God is so awesome! So later that night, Chuck is knocking on doors and meets this guy who asks if he is a Christian. Chuck didn't want to get into a debate so he said yes. The guy said, "Great! Come in!" Then proceeded to talk about this church who didn't ask for money. Somehow Chuck left and went and sat across the street, which happened to be, just desert. He looked up and started talking to God. "If you can do something with my life, you can have it, God." That was his prayer. Later he told me how much peace he had after giving his life over to the Lord.
So we meet up that night and he tells all this. My response,"So this means we aren't sleeping together anymore, right?" I knew the Word, I just wasn't living it.
That night as Chuck prayed, God asked him what he wanted to do about me. He asked Chuck if he loved me. At that moment, Chuck knew that he would marry me. The next morning, one knee, he asked me to marry him. I was elated! I called a good friend and told her the entire story, she thought it would be good if we said the sinners prayer, and so we did. Six weeks later we were married and since that night, I haven't looked back.

God sent many people to help me during my teen years. If it hadn't been for my grandmother, Anna, Marie, and others, I wouldn't be here today. One of my greatest joys was being able to lead Marie to the Lord about five years ago. She knew me before I came to know the Lord and had watched me for many years. Salvation can mean a lot of different things depending on who you ask. For me, I believe the Lord was with me even in my dark years. But it took a change in direction for me to have proof of it. When people ask me to tell of God, one of the first attributes I share is God is Faithful. My hope anytime I share my testimony is that no matter what someone goes through, God is enough. He is greater than any darkness, any rejection, and any lie.

In some ways, I feel like walking with Him over all these years is a greater testimony than what I was delivered out of. It has taken time to really heal from past abuse, violence, shame, and rejection. Only in this last year could I look in the mirror and honestly say, I love you. God is patient, much more so than we are. His love and grace that has touched my heart is truly what has transformed me. But I think that is for another day...

Blessed are they that mourn

2011-01-31T23:04:00.015-07:00

TMV©

This weekend I met up with a friend downtown to see Rabbit Hole. I have been wanting to see this movie since I heard of it, and I am so glad I did. It a beautiful, haunting pictorial/documentary like movie about grief. More specifically it depicts a married couple dealing with the loss of their child. We all grieve so differently, that is for sure.

Since Chuck and I have lost a child and I have written about Elizabeth over the years, I was intrigued by how they would unveil the grief. It was beautifully written. There are still scenes that I can't stop thinking of since Saturday.

As the story unfolded there were so many times that I was brought back to when Elizabeth had died. We had two baby showers, one before I gave birth and one after. After Elizabeth's burial and Amanda's homecoming, I had the painful chore of going through our tiny apartment and removing one of everything. Both my mom and mother in-law were wonderful in finding similar dresses for just about every size up to the age of two. Amanda had over thirty dresses when she was two!

Living in a one bedroom apartment with twins is tricky, so removing an extra swing, crib, and such enabled all of us to move around more freely. I didn't rid our family of everything right away. I kept back a set of little jackets, they were mint green and lavender. I just couldn't part with the idea that Elizabeth wasn't with us any longer. But for all those that purchased brand new things for us, I called them. I offered to return what they purchased for us. I didn't feel it was right for me to keep something that I wouldn't use. This created awkward moments on the phone to say the least. I was twenty-one with little guidance on what was proper. Who calls and does this? And how does someone respond to this? Most people were very gracious to me. Looking back, I can see the frugality in me come to the surface while I was in crisis. But the driving factor was to remove the pain of my loss. The anguish of seeing what I was supposed to have was almost too much to handle.

Grief is a powerful thing.

As this movie progressed I started to see patterns in myself as I watched Nicole Kidman play this grieving mother. Some thought she was cold and not caring. Her remarks in group therapy made me laugh, not because I agreed with her premise, but I could understand how ludicrous it was to tell someone that God needed another angel. I remember someone saying something close to that to me one day as I shared about Elizabeth. I am happy to say, I was more restrained in my response, than she was in the movie. I just shook my head and patted their hand. I realized all they were trying to do was minister to me.

Tears flowed freely as I watched this film. It wasn't because it brought so much pain up about loosing Elizabeth. It was because I saw that I had learned a coping skill that isolated me from those that cared deeply for me. Over the years as I have suffered loss, the first thing I do is go to remove any remnants of the pain. If that doesn't work, I go find something else to do to keep my mind from thinking about how upset I am. I keep moving from thing to thing trying to find resolution within me, only later do I realize that I have a torrent of emotion rolling around in me escaping here and there. Making my life and others close to me uncomfortable. Those closest to me don't know how to respond. I think I am just fine, while others see clearly that I am not. How do you convince someone that they are not as put together as they think they are?

This movie or really this mirror made me look at myself in a completely different light. I related to this woman on almost every level. (I don't love to cook.) And her search for relief by trying to remove it, only made things worse for her, her marriage and family.

Once the movie is over, God step's in and unveils this sea of sorrow deep within my soul. My losses lately have taken their toll. Sharing about the loss doesn't negate the gratitude and praise to Lord for the provision, healings, and such. But my life has changed as I know it. After our trip to the West Coast this summer, Chuck and I felt renewed and energized to enter this new stage of life. I started college, Chuck was building his business, and Jonathan was finishing up his last year of high school. We were all excited for new possibilities in what God was going to do with us. And then everything changed. In just over twenty four hours I thought I was going to loose my son and my husband. Praise God that didn't happen. I was spared of both. Even still our lives have changed.

You can't have a brush with death and just keep on trucking right along as if nothing happened. I see changes in my son. We are walking out the affects of the brain injury that Chuck has suffered. I have been so busy putting out fires that I didn't realize that I was grieving, until Saturday. After the movie, all I that kept running through my mind was, blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted. I went home to look it up. Here is what it doesn't say, blessed are they that grieve. Today we exchange mourning for grieving, but they are two different things. Mourning is an outward expression of sorrow.

I am not a big fan of outward expressions of sorrow. I hate to cry, especially in front of people. And yet, Christ states in his first sermon, "Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted." I stopped and thought about what does it mean to comfort? Who does the comforting? If I understand grief so well, why don't I have the same insight into comfort as I do of grieving. The key is allowing others in. Another concept I find difficult.

When the hearse brought little Elizabeth's styrofoam coffin out of the back. I thought I was going to die of pain right then and there. To regain my composure, I went walking amongst the dead. The silence of the graveyard released me from the fear that resided in me. I could cry amongst those that passed on, but not those that were living.

The cost of being vulnerable always seemed too high to pay until I saw this movie. I never realized that others dear to me were forced to pay the cost as well. This new perspective seems daunting at best. How do I undo something so ingrained in me, it took almost forty years for me to even recognize it? During the summer, God shared with me the seasons that the three of us were going to enter. My was a time of embracing. Little did I know to what extent God would demonstrate what embracing means.

I am just taking baby steps in this direction. :) I still have a mountain of evidence showing me why I would be crazy to go down this path, much less share it. The wounds of others can penetrate to the deepest places of our souls. I am so glad we serve a God who is patient and full of mercy and grace. I am glad I can count myself as blessed is she who mourns.

Do you see yourself as one who mourns or grieves?

What to say...

2011-01-23T00:28:00.004-07:00

In the last few weeks I have sat down to write a post at least three separate times, only to get stuck half way through a paragraph and not finish it.

What do I say? This one gets me almost every time. Most days I am too tired to even know what to share. Mostly, because I don't know how I feel-because I am so tired. Do you see the cycle? That said, my fatigue doesn't diminish my gratefulness for so many who have helped us.

Which leads me to when, to say something. I think of Chuck and Jonathan mostly when I look at timeliness issues. We are just over three months since everything happened. I don't think we have processed much as a family.

But I do feel like we are leaving the acute stage of Chuck's accident. In some ways we are getting use to our new way of doing things, even with a ambulance ride a time or two. :) Next month I have Chuck going to two of his therapies on the same day. This way if I am working Chuck's step-dad will only have to come and get him one time a week. Next week we go for our first Vocational appointment to get on a waiting list that will help Chuck try to find work that will be conducive to his condition.

Jonathan has two debate tournaments in month of February and one in March. Debate season is upon us. This year he is doing apologetics and loving it. This last week we all sat around and talked doctrine and allegories. I think all three of us were in heaven as we discussed how to explain something difficult, like the difference between justification and redemption. Do you know how great it was to see Chuck passing on his wisdom to his son? So good...

College has started. I am taking philosophy and US history reconstruction period. So far, so good. Learning how to set up a valid argument is so much fun. Then getting to put into practice in history. There are still days where I pinch myself, because I really can't believe I am getting to go to college.

The next big step for us, is finding full time work for me. I have one interview on the 3rd of Feb. I started sending out resume's last week. I would love to find a job where my hours will work best for the family. Second shift is what I am thinking. I am just praying that the Lord shows me where and that I find favor. Jonathan is also looking for part-time work. I want him to finish out his senior year with some type of normalcy. Though, he faithful to remind me that nothing in our lives in normal, nor should it be. :)

Things are progressing in our lives. They aren't as dramatic as in the beginning, nevertheless we are moving forward. Chuck's TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) is healing. But it isn't like a broken bone where you can put in a cast for six weeks and then start physical therapy to get your strength back. We learn something new almost everyday when it comes to the brain and how it heals. It makes me have a deep understanding about how miraculous our brains really are.

Thanks again for all your emails, letters, and prayers. I can truly say we have lived in such a supernatural way the few months. :)

What will you create?

2011-01-02T22:43:00.005-07:00

Redwoods in California

Do you know what Chuck was doing at 11:45 pm on New Year’s Eve? Finishing up the book of Revelation. Actually he finished the entire Bible in one year that evening. He inspires me so much. At the beginning of the year I challenged him to see who would finish the Bible in one year. I had a burst of inspiration that lasted oh, about three weeks or so. But not Chuck, he faithfully read his Bible every morning until October 10, 2010. Once he started talking after awakening from his chemical induced coma, he wanted his Bible. But we left in such a hurry to get to see Jonathan that we left it at home. Once home though, I thought that reading the Scriptures out loud would help him in a myriad of ways. When he started, it tired him so easily-yet he continued. I would hear him reading the Psalms and I would have to leave the room almost every time because I would break down in tears hearing him take comfort in the Word.

So here we are at the beginning of a new year. And yes, I am inspired once again to read it throughout the year. BUT this time I am choosing the chronological way to read through it.

Nevertheless I started in Genesis chapter one. When I read the first chapter two new things popped out at me.

1. The first thing God did was create. He created the heavens and the earth.

2. He created us in His image. That is the ability to create.

So here is my challenge to you this year-what will you create? I can hear so many say, but I am not creative. I beg to differ.

I know of moms that create grocery lists so they can feed their family.

I know of teachers that create lesson plans to stimulate the minds of future generations.

Painters that create pictures that give inspiration.

Writers that create wonderful stories that teach us life lessons.

Photographers that create images that make us think.

Chefs that create heavenly meals.

Framers that create homes for families.

Scientists that create systems to make our lives better.

Singers that create melody for all to enjoy.

Gardeners that create beautiful flowers.

You see, creating is in our DNA. We were destined to create. The only question, is what to create.

However I also know people who smile that create kindness.

Friends that hug the hurting who create comfort.

Strangers that give who create hope in the poor.

Dads who tell their kids you can do it, which create courage in their young or sometimes even older hearts.

Children who laugh which creates such joy in others.

Those who care create safety.

Those who dream create hope.

Those who forgive create love.

May 2011 be a year of creativity that will change our world.

My Christmas Prayer

2010-12-18T16:54:00.002-07:00

Normally by this time, I would be running around in a frenzy trying to finish up cards, gifts, and cookies.

Not this year.

I have replaced my Christmas cards with thank you notes. I am down to my last three or four. Well, that is for the ones that I have names and addresses for. This post is for those that I don’t know or for those that have remained anonymous in helping our family this year. My sweet friend, Renee set up an account to help us and many have donated to that account. Thank you. We aren’t privileged to see who donates. So let me just say, thank you. Your gifts of love have helped our family in so many ways.

For all those that given meals, sent cards, housed us, loaned us a car, and everything else in Florida, thank you. Your southern hospitality not only warmed our hearts, but those across the country that saw how you helped us. So many of you came from the homeschool community. Your sacrifice in helping us astonished us. Thank you.

To all my writer friends, thank you for your words of comfort and kindness. Chuck and I are making a book with all the cards that we received. Even reading them now, makes us cry from gratitude. We know that words have power, but you all were able to show so many how words of comfort could empower us to move forward. May God continue to give you a theme that teaches the world about his Love.

To our FACE family, your love overwhelmed us. Your meals, support, hugs, help, and so much more enabled us as we came home to find a place of rest in all the chaos that surrounded us, once home. Even at the play this year, many of you came up to speak to us. Your kindness has left an everlasting mark in our hearts.

To my close friends that prayed with me, cried with me, and lifted my arms when I didn’t think I could go on. I love you. You all had my back during all the things that surprised me along the way. Only God can redeem the time you have devoted to my family and me.

To our family that helped us, thank you so much. Uncle Thom, your home was a refuge as we traveled through the country trying to get home. Charles and Laurel, your visits made such a difference in Chuck, thank you. Nikki, thanks for bring Granny and Grandpa up and helping out so much. Anna, thanks for all that you have done, too. Thank you, T for fielding phone calls and keeping everyone updated

JMI family, thank you for all your support. Gerry and Beth, you came up to the house found things we needed. Removed dead mice. Thank you. Your church reached out to Amanda and us in ways that only the Lord can repay. We are humbled by your love.

Miss Maggie and Family- words truly cannot express how we feel about you. You took my son home and nursed him back to health. You picked up pieces of Chuck’s business while doing a play and speech and debate. I think we should rally to get June 20^th Miss Maggie Day – A national holiday of those that give without thinking of themselves. We love you.

To my professors who helped me finish on time. Thank you. You helped me keep my dream alive, that I could go to college.

To all those that turned out to different fundraisers, thank you for your time and support. Gerry and Beth, the Townsend’s, Maggie & family, The Le’s, The Jeub’s, The Webb’s, The Wong’s, FACE, and so many more. Thank you.

For those at Resurrection Fellowship who prayed for us, thank you.

Thank you Facebook friends that helped us fly out there, stay in hotels, and spread the word of our needs.

As you can see, our hearts are overflowing with gratitude and love for all of you. My Christmas prayer is that the Lord will richly bless each and every one of you with peace, health, and prosperity in the year to come. My one fear is that I left someone out. Only our Heavenly Father can bless you all as I would love to. 2010 will be marked not only by tragedy, but by the grace of God and how it flowed through his people.

Much love,

Chuck, Tonya, Amanda, & Jonathan

Simplicity & Gratitude

2010-12-05T23:53:00.002-07:00

I wasn’t even sure if I would be able to participate in Marriage Monday this month. Things in my life have change dramatically. Since October 9, 2010 I have been on a conveyer belt that I have no control over. For those that don’t know, I will try to recap everything. My son was attending a debate camp in Gainesville, Florida while he was there; a virus attacked his heart and heart lining. Virtually giving him a heart attack at the age of 17. We flew out the next day to be with him. As my husband was driving to the camp where Jonathan had been staying, a car struck him going 65mph. I didn’t know of any of this until about 5am the following morning and it took till 9am to find him. My son was in one hospital and my husband in ICU in the other hospital. My son was released to go back to Denver a few days later. Miss Maggie his coach took him home with her. Amanda our daughter came out to help me with Chuck. Chuck was in the ICU for seven days. Three days later they released him with seven broken ribs, his shoulder broken in two places, a brain injury, and a bruised spleen. He was unable to fly back. So we rented a car and it took five more days to drive him across country. During all of this the outpour of love shown to our family has permanently touched us in such a way, I just can’t seem to find enough words to say thank you.

Once we were back, I went back to teaching one day a week and to college full-time. Two weeks back, Chuck was hospitalized again. This was a blow to all of us, especially Chuck. It wasn’t until this weekend that I started to see pre-Chuck come out every now and then. Brain injuries take time to heal.

Thanksgiving came and everyone was at the table. Every seat was filled. There was no greater gift than that. Which leads me to Christmas. Normally, I would have the tree up, cards ordered, and planning my grocery list by now. Instead, the table is covered in school books, insurance papers, and doctor notes. The tree is still in its box sitting in the dining room, patiently waiting to be put up. The decision to not send out Christmas cards was easy; I am not doing them this year. Dinner, well I just don’t know what I will be making yet. And I am at peace with that decision.

My priorities have shifted in such a dynamic way. It isn’t about the holiday to-do list this year. It is about enjoying and cherishing the fact that I have my son and husband. I have a feeling that this year the Christmas dishes won’t even come out of the china cabinet. Due to Chuck not working, there might not be as much under the tree. But really, none of that matters. The season is supposed to be about thanking God for giving His son. I just get the opportunity to thank Him for giving me, my son and husband. I have the joy of knowing that all four of us will read our annual Christmas letters to each other. We will watch some movies, eat some food, and talk about the last year.

Every year I find a new ornament to add to the tree. One year it was an awkward pinecone that reminded me of the stripping process our family was going through. Another year it was birds, to remind me that our Heavenly Father takes cares of the birds of the air, so how much more us. One year it was a house, which ended up being our home we live in now. Additionally we try to find ornaments from places we have visited, too. I have been thinking about what I could find for this year. I really would like to find a hospital bed-I know that might sound strange, but it will remind me of the Scripture that talks about the Lord ministering to the righteous man who is sick in bed. Or maybe I will find something that depicts a miracle or two. Maybe I will find a set of hands and feet, since the Body of Christ has ministered to us in so many ways. Plus, I can't forget Miss Maggie and all that she has done, maybe an angel. I am not sure what will end up on the tree, but part of the joy is the hunt. :) Our family has so much to be grateful for this year. Being alive and together is all that truly matters.

His Eye is on the Sparrow

2010-11-18T23:45:00.005-07:00

Tonight after getting Chuck to bed I gathered my Bible to spend some much needed quiet time with the Lord. An unnamed child took my earphones this weekend, so I had to scramble to find some music to listen to. I turned on our TV and found this praise music station and what would be playing, but, His Eye is on the Sparrow. One of my all time favorite hymns that brings such comfort and hope. Curled up on the couch I sang along with the vocalist, drinking in the ability to praise the God of all comfort. The Lover of my soul. My magnificent Creator, who sees me. There is such freedom in just singing to Him! As the song ended- memories flooded my mind of how God has been my God from the time I was a little girl until now. Each stage of life, He was there, I didn't always sense Him, but I know that He has been with me and will never leave me, nor forsake me.

And He is here now with us as we deal with all these new challenges. No matter what we face, He will uphold us in His Mighty Hand. I chose to feed on His Faithfulness tonight. What a blessing it is to serve the living God who loves us with such abundance. Who sees all of our fears, and then speaks hope into our souls so tenderly, so gently. What freedom there is to trust in Him, to be able to cast all our cares upon Him. I always pray for those that don't know Him after spending that sweet time like tonight with Him. Many times I have asked, how do people get through this life without Him?

I think for many years of my walk, I tried to trust Him. But I didn't really trust at the deepest level. If there is anything I have learned in the last few months, it is that I can trust him. No accident, virus, sickness, lack, accusation, or fear can separate me from Him. I trust Him.

I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

“Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

May you find sweet peace in His Presence this weekend. My prayer for you is that you hear Him whisper your name ever so gently. May you find hope in the God of all comfort. And then you can sing with me, "I sing because I'm happy, I sing because I'm free!

Coffee Poll

2010-11-07T23:09:00.003-07:00

Would you all do me a favor? I have a poll about coffee, could you take it for me? Then would you be so kind as to post a comment saying that when you go for coffee that you do so for business or pleasure. Just one, thanks! I will have the poll up for one week, the more answers I get more I impress my English teacher. :) Happy Voting!!

The First Wave- Part One

2010-11-04T01:19:00.008-06:00

You know it has been a long time since you posted on your blog, when you type your blog address in and it doesn't even recognize the name. The middle of September was the last time I posted. That was just shy of six weeks in real time, but for us it was another lifetime ago. I was anxious to celebrate our 20th anniversary on the 29th. Plus, I was working on our pictures from our trip in August hoping to make a presentation for our anniversary post. Trying to balance going to college full-time and teaching part-time took more time than I thought. Our anniversary came and went and we were getting ready to celebrate Chuck's 42nd birthday and still no post. Jonathan had left for Florida that week for a debate camp. So for the first time in seventeen years we celebrated Chuck's birthday without Jonathan as a family. We really enjoyed having dinner with Amanda on Thursday night, the conversation was sweet and fun. None of us knew what we were getting ready to walk into.

Chuck and I came home and happily discussed helping Amanda with some things and went to bed. Thinking that all was well in the world. The next morning I heard the key in the front door, I thought I had just missed Chuck, instead it was Amanda sneaking in to leave me a new journal that she saw at the store that made her think of me. Her thoughtfulness touched me deeply as we drank a cup of coffee together. The phone rang and it was Maggie, Jonathan's debate coach telling me that she was rushing Jonathan to the ER, because something was wrong with his breathing. As she was driving to the ER, while I was brainstorming on what could be wrong with Jonathan. He doesn't get that sick, so we started going through all possibilities. After much deliberation and a call to another physician she proceeded to the ER. As soon as I got off the phone with Maggie, I called Chuck. Amanda was still with me in the kitchen while all this was going on. So we stopped and prayed. We prayed for our son and her brother. We prayed for the doctors and for Maggie. Then we waited.

At some point Amanda left, I don't remember when, but it was early on where we didn't think it was that bad. Chuck came home and we prayed again and waited for a call. As a mom, I felt so helpless; here was my son having breathing problems and chest pains in Florida and I was in Colorado. So I decided to what I do best, work. I picked up my to-do list and figured out what I could do while waiting. While picking some books up in the library we got the call. You know that type of call where you get asked if your sitting down and if your spouse is near, that kind of call. Standing between two rows of books Maggie tells me that something is dreadfully wrong with my son's heart and the doctors are figuring out if it was a heart attack. Then the doctor gets on the phone and pretty much says the same thing once again to us, except he says that we need to come as quickly as possible. Holding the shelf with one hand and with the other, I grab a hold of my husband's hand and we pray in the library between rows of books- for our son's life. We get in the car and pray again. Then we start making phone calls. I post on Facebook to pray for my son. And then our whole life is changed before our eyes.

I realized that I would have to call Amanda at work and tell her that her brother was sick and that we have to fly out to Florida right away. She was the first of many calls I would have to make that I never ever wanted to make. We are running off of adrenaline and purpose-get to Florida. I called my grandparents to tell them. It broke my heart to call them, for they are up in their years, but I knew that we would need all types of support. I remember hearing my grandmothers voice break as I told her, I heard her gasp as she cried out to God for mercy. Then I called friends to pray. Being a Christian for over twenty years, I have learned a few things; prayer changes things, especially things that you have no control over. And then I started to see God move. The first thing was how many people responded immediately to pray for our son. It seemed like a fire of sorts that shot off in many directions. Then a friend I had never met on Facebook sent me a message to call her, for she could help us with getting airline tickets. Once in crisis mode, things either move faster than normal or slower, we definitely experienced both types that day. Waiting for doctors to call us back seemed like an eternity. And yet, our phones were ringing off the hook with concerned family and friends. Late in the afternoon the doctors call us and let us know that Jonathan was doing better, but that we need still need to come out. The first big miracle came right after that call with doctors. Donna Martin, my Facebook friend, hooked us up with buddy passes for the next morning. We raced around to tie up loose ends with Chuck's business and my college. Some dear friends of our met up with us to give us some money to help with a rental car once we arrived. The second major miracle-provision for the rental car.

Chuck's business had just taken a hit financially, but we felt like we would be alright since we had many jobs lined up for the month of October. So we decided that if being in Florida was going to be lengthy that Chuck would come back to work and I would stay and take care of Jonathan. With most errands done, emails sent, message answered, we fell into bed exhausted around 11pm. But as we laid there, we prayed one more time for our son and that we would catch the flight out in the morning. We would be on standby on a crowded flight.

Sunday Morning a friend from FACE picked us up took us to the airport. Neither Chuck or I had flown since 9/11, but our kids had. Even still, I couldn't get through the detectors correctly, or put my bag through the scanner right. For people who don't normally travel, we seemed lost on how to maneuver everything. Tears spilled over the littlest things and I couldn't seem to stop them. Again another day of waiting and hurrying. Waiting to see if we would get on the flight-wanting to already be in Florida. Miracle three- we got on the early flight! At this point deep anxiety turned to cautiousness and joy, especially because we knew that we were going to be in Gainseville, Florida before the end of the day.

We arrived in Orlando and quickly pick up our rental car and started driving to Gainesville. We paid no attention to the car or the rental place, we just jumped into the car and took off. Right away Chuck and I noticed how aggressive the drivers were. We saw this in San Franscico, and Washington DC when we visited their cities. I felt confident in Chuck's driving, so I dismissed my feelings and focused on getting to see my son. But even as we drove our phones rang with concerned family and friends making sure we made it alright. In a last minute decision when packing I chose to bring my camera. I had never been to Florida and I would want to capture at least a few pictures of the state. And if things became too stressful, I could always go a find a flower to shoot which would calm me down. So as we drove I saw these amazing trees with moss hanging from them. I told Chuck that once I knew that Jonathan was alright we would have to find some for me to shoot. He patted my hand smiling and said, "Babe, I love you. Everything is going to be alright."
Little did I know that in less than twenty four hours from then, I would truly wonder if everything would be alright. But that sunny afternoon, I drank in confidence and praised God for such a great guy. But then that changed when he wanted to eat. I was focused on only stopping once we arrived at the hospital. But as you know planes don't feed you so we compromised by going through the drive-thru of McDonald's. We ate as we drove and my peace returned. :) There is something so disturbing by being two time zones away from your kid and the doctor is throwing out words like heart attack. I was a mom on a mission, but Chuck was wise to stop even for a brief moment to get us something to eat. Finally we made it to the hospital! The nurses welcomed us and immediately and I felt at home. I can't explain it, but the warmth that we felt from the entire staff at North Regional Medical Center was unbelievable! Since Jonathan was the youngest patient on the cardiac floor, he had become something of celebrity. The nurses caught us up on how he was doing. Poor Miss Maggie had stayed with him the night before and was stressed by all this. I was more than grateful for her being there for our son during all the tests. She left and told Chuck to call her so she could give him directions to the camp where all the debate kids were staying. The camp was gracious enough to allow us to stay for free. Once again, I saw God move through his people. I was humbled and amazed by all the love and support we felt.

Seeing Jonathan in a hospital bed with oxygen was terrible. But I smiled or at least that is what I tried to do. The nurses had told us that the ultrasound went well and Jonathan's tests were improving, but that the doctors were still waiting on some other tests for in the morning and that he would have his heart catheter the following day. I thought it would be good if I played some type of game with Jonathan to seem normal. I don't know if the card game was more for me or for him, but it seemed like a good plan. Chuck drove to get some cards, came back, hugged Jonathan, kissed me, and told me that he would be back in the morning. I thought to myself, we can get through this, I know we can. Around midnight a Pastor from a Christian motorcycle club came by to pray. His family was just coming off of vacation, but wanted to stop by and pray for us. The next miracle, a complete stranger comes and prays for us because Chuck's friend called the club and asked. I was shocked that he would take time off of his vacation and pray for us. His visit brought me hope. Hope that I would soon need more than I ever thought...

That night as Jonathan slept I sat in the chair watching him. How could I sleep with so much going through my mind. I brought some of my homework so I pulled out my research and began to write my proposal for English. That calmed my nerves and tried to get some sleep. But I just tossed and turned most of the night. Around five in the morning the thought came to me that Chuck should be back by seven instead of eight, just in case the doctors started earlier than we thought. I decided I would wait an hour and then call him. I closed my eyes and tried to rest, but the familiar waiting game started once more.

Marriage Monday Books our Children will Remember

2010-09-13T22:32:00.005-06:00

Marriage Monday Topic:

Books our children will remember

At first I thought I might talk about homeschooling as one of the choices this month, but really the heart of our homeschooling experience was reading to our children. I read to them until they were in high school. Both Chuck and I felt like this was one of the strongest ways we connected with our kids. Curled up on the couch with a book was relaxing to all of us.

Each story took us on an adventure. We met and understood people from different countries and cultures. Animals brought out some of the best qualities in us like loyalty and courage. The lessons learned came through the backdoor, it wasn’t facts and figures that were memorized, instead we saw how others related and handled difficult situations.

Chuck has always been the main bread winner, so his list is shorter than he would have liked it, but I think he did an awesome job. When the kids were younger Chuck would read Just In Case You Ever Wonder by Max Lucado all the time. If you haven’t read that book, it’s worth your time. When Amanda graduated, Chuck ended his speech with, Just In Case You Ever Wonder. We had come full circle and Amanda understood that. Tears welled up in her eyes as her daddy shared his love for her and reminded her that he always would, just in case she wondered. He also read the Narnia Series, The Hobbit and The Lord of the Ring series to them. Our kids still share about how dad would nod off when reading. A working man gets tired easily.

One of the first places I took my kids was to the library. Reading broadens your horizons and I wanted my kids to have a love of reading. When they were little I chose Richard Scary books (They aren’t scary) and DK books for their bright and vivid pictures. When we graduated from rhyming books like King Bidgood in the Bathtub we moved into the Little House series, Anne of Green Gables, Black Beauty, Swiss Family Robinson, Charlotte’s Web, The Giving Tree, Little Britches series and To Kill A Mocking Bird.

One time when we were in West Virginia sitting out on my great aunt’s porch swing at dusk. We were curled up under a blanket reading about the wolves that surrounded Mary in the Little House series. Here we were in the backwoods and all the dogs started to howl just like the wolves did. I couldn’t have done better myself trying to explain how scared the girls in the story were. Both of my kids hopped up on my lap so quick, it was great. And both of them tell this story to their friends as a good memory!

And I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Patricia Palocco. We were introduced to her when the kids were in the fourth grade or so. She is one of our favorite authors. She takes her heritage, Jewish and Catholic and portrays these beautiful families with their own struggles. Her writing not only touches the soul, but the heart. I have wept through many of her books as I read them to our kids, because they were so touching and moving. Her compassion shines through like no other author for that age group.

This is just a small list. I also have a list if anyone is interested in read aloud books for their kids here.

Reading for us was a cord that bound us tightly together as a family. I cherish those moments that I had with my children. They were endearing for me and for them.

Redifing the color green

2010-09-05T03:28:00.007-06:00

A couple of days ago Chuck and I were at the store. I had my list of things that we needed and flowers were on that list. With a high eyebrow, Chuck asks if it is really necessary that I buy flowers right now.
I responded , "But of course, honey. I need them for my photography class, the little kids will be taking pictures of them this week for their scavenger hunt." I smile at him and head outdoors to find some plants.

I am shocked by what I don't see. There isn't much of a selection left, in fact there isn't much in the garden section at all. I know I shouldn't be shocked, but I am. It is the end of the season here in Colorado and then it hits me; we aren't in the Northwest anymore, where everything is abundant and green. For a brief moment I sigh and long to be back there. But there's too much to do, so I pick two plants head towards the checkout lane.

That night I loaded the first set of pictures from our trip into my photo editing software. Our lives have been so hectic that I didn't have the time to even look at the pictures much less edit them since we have been back. But the moment in the garden redirected my evening. I chose to set everything aside to reflect and look back, even if it was just one folder of pictures. As I came upon this picture, I couldn't help but smile as I remembered how amazed I was at how green everything was in Mt Rainier Park. I remember trying to capture the beauty of the single flowers, but realizing that it was the entire landscape that looked so lush.

As I came upon this picture I saw that it had a hue and depth that I didn't get to see that often. The picture seemed to come alive just by viewing it. The leaves were so full and vibrant. It stirred in me the desire to have that type of growth in my own life. On our trip I couldn't stop thinking about what constant moisture can do. Living in a semi-arid state, things grow but not like what we saw out there. My faith grew in leaps and bounds by seeing these plants and flowers that were overflowing. Leaves as big as my face! At our previous church the Pastor gave us the word for the year, growth. And now, I was seeing it in living color.

For so many years it has seemed like we have gone from one trial to the next, with little reprieve. I have many friends that have gone through similar or even more difficult things than us. It is all around us, and yet we have this deep yearning for something more in our lives. Something that will sustain us in good times and bad- life. It's easy to blame all the struggles and problems on why we aren't as full of life as we could be. Well, at least that tends to be my default.

But then I go back to the picture. That life-giving green seems to surpass all that ails me. Life and that more abundantly, that is what I desire. This is what I crave. The longing to have Lord's love rain on my dry and cracked soul. To feel the vitality return, the joy, the hope and the love flood those cracks and crevasses.

One thing I have learned living in the mountains with forest fires. The fire takes out all the dead wood and brush which allows things that have been germinating to sprout. I believe we are entering that time of growing. I don't know of many people that haven't been going through very difficult times lately. Hold on, for what you might see as just burnt stubble is the beginnings of seeds of greatness in you just waiting to sprout. All you need is the rain of heaven to come and shower you with His love.

Father, may you rain on our lives, on our families, our hearts with your love and life. Cause us to grow in You.

What makes you yearn for the Lord?

Introducing the 2011 Names of God Calendar

2010-08-31T14:17:00.004-06:00

Introducing the 2011 Names of God Calendar by Robbie Iobst and Tonya Vander.

We are so excited to announce the completion of our new calendar!

Using beautiful photography from Tonya and devotionals (Joyvotions) from Robbie, we have created a twelve month display of the majesty behind the Names of God.

Here's a taste from the calendar. June's theme is Jehovah Shalom- The LORD of Peace- displaying a lovely peace rose.

If having trouble seeing the joyvotion:

Jehovah Shalom – The LORD is peace Remember those 3-D pictures in the 80s? If you stared long enough and let your focus relax, you could see a 3-D image appear. This photograph is of a Peace Rose. If you stare at it long enough, and let your focus relax, you might find yourself noticing the details. The hues of pink and rose blending with the soft white. The way the rose seems to hug itself in the middle. All yellow comfort. Peaceful. Jehovah Shalom, the LORD is peace, is similar. If you gaze at Him long enough, and let your focus shift to Him rather than the problems of today, His peace that passes understanding will rise up within you and it will guard your heart. Jehovah Shalom, cause us to focus on You.
With Christmas just around the corner, this calendar makes a perfect gift for friends and family and an uplifting touch to your own home. Throughout the seasons of the year this will be a wonderful reminder of the Power of the name of the LORD. The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe. Proverbs 18:10

To order please email Robbie at robbieiobst@hotmail.com or go to PayPal here:

Lake Tahoe

2010-08-22T03:15:00.005-06:00

Before we left Nevada, Chuck took me to see Lake Tahoe. It is just downright beautiful. The water is so blue and then there are these traces of Emerald mixed in with the blue. It is breath taking. I can see why so many people visit there. The people are very nice, too.

Tomorrow we will be home and we are happy about coming home. Being on the road has been wonderful, but we both miss home. :) This trip has meant so much to each of us. There has been time to think and not to think. There has been time to talk and to be quiet. And all without pressure of time or responsibility. We both feel like this was our honeymoon we never had. The benefits of waiting outweigh when we were younger. At least that is how we feel.

With God all things are possible. We have taken time to be refreshed by the Lord. Renewed in our commitment to one another. Restored in our soul by seeing such beauty around us. And revived in our love for one another as well as God. We have spent time praising and praying as we drove down the road. I wouldn't have thought three years ago that this trip would have been possible on many different levels. I am glad that God's timing isn't ours. He knows when we need something and we don't.

Monday work and college will be calling. New beginnings and fresh starts is what this trip has birthed in us. Thank you all for praying for us. God has been so faithful to us.

God's Grand Finale

2010-08-21T02:16:00.006-06:00

God sure knows how to end a perfect trip. His finale was spectacular! Seeing the sun set over the Sierra Nevada Mountains was breathtaking. We started out today by going to the Sequoia National Park. Then quickly jumped to the Kings Canyon and finally to Yosemite. My mistake was thinking we would be able to see all of it in one day. We had to pick and choose where and what we wanted to see. The solution is to come back to see the other half of Yosemite at least.
Did you know that it has a golf course in the park? Really, I took a picture of it.
And in Sequoia National Park we saw two bears! I have been asking God for such a long time to see a bear in the wild. He answered my prayer today! But my pictures suck, because my lens broke. But I will post what I have later with a red circle around the bear. So I fidgeted with my lens the rest of the day. I think I will have to buy a new one, for it's my wide angle and I use it so much. But seeing a bear in the wild is really cool and really scary. All these Europeans were standing with their back to it and getting their picture! Chuck and I being more cautious kept our distance. But seeing the bear was so cool!
The Sequoias are AMAZING! I am not sure how many times I have used that word, but they just were. The width of those trees reminded me of the width of God's love. So full and steady. We can lean into Him and He isn't even moved. The Sequoias are like that.

Yosemite was the last park for the day and we entered it late in the day. But I did capture the waterfall and El Capitan. The park is so peaceful and full of God's glory. I can't wait to go back!
We have been driving late each night for the last three days. We are tired. Nevertheless, the trip has been incredible. We have seen so many things, took walks, a ferry, and talked hours on end about our life. This trip really has been just what we needed.

I encourage you all to take some extra time with your spouse, you never know what you might learn, no matter how long you have been married. Change is inevitable and yet, it is hard to keep up with how you feel much less your spouse. Extended periods of time alone from responsibility allows for deep conversation, which is a good thing even if you are talking about difficult things.
I feel very humbled to walk along side with my husband. Our journey has it's ups and downs just like any other married couple. The joys, tears, pains, and fears is what builds us and makes us stronger. I think this trip has brought all of that out and then some. Choosing to love, choosing to trust, choosing to dive in without restraint takes courage and freedom. I believe we are moving towards a new stage where we need courage and freedom to walk the path that God has for us. I am so grateful to God for giving us this time together. We feel closer to each other than we have felt in quite some time.

I have so much more to share, but no brain power left. Tomorrow it is Lake Tahoe and we start our journey home. Thank you all for joining us. As I get my pictures worked on at home, I hope to have slide shows of each day.

San Francisco

2010-08-20T02:30:00.005-06:00

San Francisco in the daytime is wonderful! We walked from Union Station to China Town to Fisherman's Wharf to Gherardelli Square. Lots of hills and tons of stores! I definitely want to return when we have more time. I could have browsed every store. But since we started off without breakfast, I knew we would have to move forward. The people are very nice as long as you aren't driving! I was surprised by the difference between day and night there.

We drove by the crooked street. I drove over the Golden Gate Bridge at night. Over all we had a wonderful time today. I bought sourdough bread to eat tomorrow while we are going through the Sequoias and Yosemite Parks. We picked up a few trinkets along the way, but for the most part we just tried to take in all the different languages that were being spoken, the sights, the smells, the atmosphere. San Francisco is very diverse and yet somehow has this connection with the outside world. As for anything goes, that is true, but only in certain parts of the city. There were a few things that shocked us, but not many.

Tomorrow we are off to see Yosemite. I can't wait!

The Redwoods

2010-08-19T10:45:00.004-06:00

There aren't enough words to describe the Redwoods. I might make all my writer friends mad with this statement, but really, there aren't. The Redwoods are amazing. We think everyone should see them once in their life. Both Chuck and I were praising God as we drove through the park. We were in awe of our Creator, who would show His strength and purpose with these trees. The power of water can make so many things flourish like the cedars of Lebanon. I know that our faith and understanding increased as we saw these ancient trees of strength. When I have time I will share more. :)

But we are running late this morning because of me, so I gotta go. The drive along the California coast was beautiful too. Chuck had fun whizzing around the corners and switchbacks.

Off to explore San Francisco. It is a crazy town at night!

Coastal Driving

2010-08-17T23:58:00.006-06:00

Chuck went to the top while I took pictures all around. Oregon is so beautiful, it really is. Even though most of the day was covered in fog, it was still so breathtaking to see the coast and its distinct and amazing sea and landscape.

This has been our less stressed day so far. No where to be so we took our time. Wonderful day!

Oregon Coast

2010-08-17T00:59:00.000-06:00

Butchart Gardens

2010-08-15T20:30:00.004-06:00

Today was one of those days that I really never thought would come. Three years ago I laid sick on my couch downstairs watching traveling shows into the wee hours when I couldn't sleep. I thought that it was the cruelest type of torture to see people going to places I had only dreamed of and wondering if I would ever travel again. People had told me to visit Butchart Gardens for almost ten years!

Then last year Chuck took me to Santa Fe, NM for our anniversary. I wept as we drove in late that first night. I couldn't believe I was well enough to travel. It really didn't seem real until we drove in under those beautiful purple skies at night. It was a trip I will always remember as the trip where hope returned.

Taking the ferry over to Victoria seemed even more magical than the time I took the kids to North Carolina on a homeschool trip. This time Chuck was with me and we were going somewhere neither of us had been before. The cool breeze kissed our face as we sailed along.

Once we were on land and through customs we were off to find the gardens. My anticipation grew by the minute. I think Chuck would have called it intensity, but I prefer anticipation. :)
As soon as we drove into the parking lot, I was on sensory overload. Flowers, flowers, flowers everywhere. The one time in my life when I am quiet is when I am shooting. These flowers were singing hallelujah like no other choir I had ever heard. All I wanted to do was dance with the Father as I capture His amazing creation. Chuck in tow, being the kindest man in the world chose to be my porter. He carried my bag, my tripod and my water. Never once did he complain, I think he was even in awe of all the beauty. Things were going well... Then, I looked at my camera only to see that I had my settings on the smallest jpeg instead of the largest. I had gone through three gardens and shot over 500 pictures. I thought I might implode, explode, or both. Chuck did too. I was so mad at myself. I had put this pressure on myself to hurry through the gardens so we could see something else. I didn't want to be selfish with our time. But I never asked Chuck wanted he wanted. He wanted me happy. He truly didn't care. So I had a choice to make, do I try to walk through the gardens again or do I move forward. I went back, but I chose to capture just the main parts. I hope I can at least use the 500 pictures as 4x6's. I am downloading all the pics as I type this post.

So here is what I learned by this mistake. I got to go through the gardens twice. Seeing things that I wouldn't have otherwise. Maybe God needed me to see more than my eye could catch the first time. I am not sure, but that is what I am going with. :)

I just found out at least I can make them into 4x6's YEAH!

I ended up with about 900 pictures today. It was an awesome day filled with God's display of love and abundance towards his people. His creation sings His praises!

1st Day in Washington

2010-08-14T23:38:00.003-06:00

TMV © 2010

Today our journey started out with roses right outside our window. Beautiful roses. Then we saw a center dedicated to the Oregon Trail. Very cool. I have been to Jamestown, St. Louis, and now Baker City, Oregon. We owe way more than we realize to our pioneering forefathers. They sacrificed so much to build our country. I only hope that each generation will do their share in continuing the legacy of freedom.

We chose to take a side trip to Mt. Rainier and boy, was it worth it! Such beauty, such glory. The picture below is from Mt. Rainier Park. I am just too tired to edit anymore pictures, but maybe while we are on the ferry tomorrow I will have time. Washington is such a beautiful state.

TMV © 2010
Tomorrow we head to Victoria, BC to see Butchart Gardens. I have waited ten years to see this place. I can't wait. But the alarm will be going off at 5:15 AM.

Talk to you all tomorrow!

Starting the Journey

2010-08-13T23:17:00.004-06:00

TMV© 2010
Ogden, UT
Today was our longest driving day for the entire trip. So we didn't take much time to take pictures today. But I already have my eyes set on some roses right outside our room, first thing in the morning. :)

It is really amazing to see each state and how the boundaries fall. Wyoming is so windy and looks like home on the range! Utah is so green and then the contrast of the red rocks are just beautiful to view. Driving into Idaho looked like this. Open sky with mountain ranges on both sides. We really live in a beautiful country!

TMV© 2010

We look forward to driving into Oregon early tomorrow and then into Washington to the coast. It was a great first day, can't wait till tomorrow!

Change

2010-08-08T13:31:00.007-06:00

Life is an adventure that is for sure! One minute you can be riding high and viewing the world from the top, only to be suddenly free falling through air-and then you make a sharp right and then left. Before you know it your out of breath and wondering if you are right side up! There are many reasons why I don't like roller coasters and I have only mentioned a few.

I think we are people of habit. I know I like my routines, I get up, make coffee, empty the dishwasher while the coffee is brewing. I then make my oatmeal and eat my breakfast. I like my routine, it is efficient and it is familiar. To change means you have to give up on the routine and the familiar. Having two teens really should have made it easier for me to change. But it hasn't.

Change is inevitable, so the old adage goes. And our family is adjusting to many new changes. We now have three living in our home instead of four. Only one of us is going to college instead of two this year. Change. And lots of it. But we can't forget the things that will never change. We love each other. We will be there for each other. Nothing can destroy our relationships with our children or with each other. I don't know if we are right side up yet, but Chuck and I are adjusting to these sudden changes. It took a couple of days to adjust to her decision about college. The college she had planned on attending is honoring their scholarships and holding them for a year. We are very grateful for their generosity and patience. And though we don't agree with her decision, we still love and accept her. And we know that were are all in the palm of His hand so nothing can separate us from the Love of God.

So pardon our dust as we adjust to this new way of living. If you hear a yelp or scream, I am sure it was a sudden drop or turn we didn't see. All of us need time to redefine what works and what doesn't. We desire to have a new relationship with each of our children as they transition into adulthood. I just don't think we realized how much change would be required by us. Amanda has asked us to refrain from sharing about her for now. So after this post we will do our best to honor that request. She agreed to this last post.

Our hope is built on the Rock. The winds and storms may blow upon our home, but we know we all have a firm foundation, Christ. His Promises are yes and amen in Him. I find that the times I start to lose hope in what He promised, is when I trust my timetable. Instead of trusting Him for the perfect timing. So we wait on Him with great expectation.

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.
Hebrews 10:23

Marriage Monday: An Interview with My Husband & his Favorite Foods

2010-07-31T14:57:00.006-06:00

"An Interview with My Husband: His Favorite Foods Revealed." This month's topic for Marriage Monday.

This was the safest topic I would even considering to touch this month. For most men the old adage, "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach"works, but not for mine. They definitely weren't thinking of mine.

Over the span of twenty years I have learned one thing being married to my husband, I will not win when it comes to food. The man is the most wonderful guy in just about every other area. Really. He. is. Except in this area. If I served hamburger everyday, he would not only be delighted, but he wouldn't want it to change. I would go crazy from being in a rut of "Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun!"

I am a more expressive cook, if you will. I enjoy most food groups, and love trying new foods. So this particular topic has been a source of contention for us over the year. We have come to some sort of agreement. If I make something he doesn't like, say anything that contains fish, then I will grill him a hamburger. But for many years I just went without food groups because he wouldn't eat them. I am happy to say, this trait was not passed on to my children. They will pretty much eat anything that is set before them. With all this said, we have negotiated over this to where I think both of us are pretty happy.

Me: What was your favorite food when you were a little boy?
Chuck: French Fries and not because they were french, but because they were such a beautiful excuse to eat ketchup! Which I got in trouble for eating ketchup straight out of the packets, so I needed them.

Me: What is your favorite meal that I prepare for you?
Chuck: Maybe Manwich or Robbie tostadas, also really love good old fashioned tacos.
Me- See I told you, all of them contain hamburger..

Me: What is the favorite memory that you have around the table with our family?
Chuck: When you bought a thick rubber sheet to go under the table to catch the kids messes and then you proceeded to cover all the upholstered chairs with thick stain/spill proof plastic which stuck to the back of your leg when you sat on them. And you still claim not to be a perfectionist?
Me: I had totally forgotten about that! LOL! I hate messes, what can I say.

Me: What is your favorite place to take me to dinner?
Chuck: Well being a creature of habit, I love the old standby's like Red Robin or Las Delicious where we have had so many wonderful memories, but I also love to take you somewhere nice that makes you feel special, maybe even somewhere that we have never been before! (May God have mercy on my soul)
Me: Those two restaurants meet our needs. Bless the Lord Almighty! :)

Me: What food do you like when you are sad or in need of comfort?
Chuck: It depends, but if it is something sweet then cookies and milk.
Me: I will bake some for you this week, how about that!

Me: If you could go anywhere to eat anything you wanted, where would it be and what would it be?
Chuck: At home, and something normal that my wife has cooked for me (she will tell you that I am not very adventurous when it comes to food). I would love to travel to see the world but we tease that I would have to pack granola bars to survive in places where they eat foreign (strange) food.
Me: Not adventurous is not the exact adjective I would use, but we can roll with that. :)

Me: Now that we are virtually empty-nesters how or what you like to change in our dinner meals?
Chuck: It would be cool and even romantic to have a candlelit dinner with you once we have the house to ourselves.
Me: I agree a candle light dinner with hamburgers and tater-tots sounds so romantic... :)

And though we had our fun in responding to each other, please note, we have accepted each others differences in this area. If I want something funky, I find a friend to go out and eat with. If I am looking for fun and romance then we stick with what both of us like . It works for us.

Spoken from the Heart

2010-07-31T11:10:00.001-06:00

Spoken from the Heart by Laura Bush

I just absolutely loved reading this book! Laura’s sweet voice shared deep and personal stories from growing up in Midland, Texas to her college years. You get an inside peek at Laura and George's early life all the way to the White House. Reading Laura’s book was like sitting down with a girlfriend that you haven’t seen in a while and catching up on her life.

Many of us have an opinion of who Laura Bush is, but really how much of what we think of her is accurate? We experienced her comforting us through 9/11. But getting to know what was going on behind the scene gives you a glimpse into a life of a woman that desires to make this world a better place.

I couldn’t help but think of my daughter as I read this book. Mrs. Bush is such a role model for young women today. Having the title First Lady has only happened forty three times, so what these ladies do makes a difference not only in America but also abroad.

Learning about the initiatives that Mrs. Bush chose as First Lady to strengthen women, children and families touched many cords in me. Her passion for education and reading comes from her past as a teacher and librarian. The old adage, knowledge is power rings true today like never before. She founded the National Book Festival. You know she won me over just from that. :)

But her tireless effort to help women and children abroad especially in Afghanistan, Burma and Africa brought awareness of their horrible living conditions. Having the chance myself to go to Kenya, I saw first hand how AIDS and malaria was eroding the way of life for so many. As I read about her trips and desire for change, it made me proud to be a woman from the United States, where we have had a wonderful representative of who we are as women in America. As a country, we have more resources to help those that are ravaged by war, disease, famine, and tyranny. Mrs. Bush put those resources to good use in many, many needful places.

I also loved hearing about her time as First Lady of Texas and how she raised her twin girls. She shares their struggles to conceive and issues through her pregnancy. Her down to earth style allows for the reader to gently view her life.

Reading her book made me feel like she had come for tea and shared stories. Yet, seeing the impact she made for children and women here and around the world gives our daughters hope that they too, can change this world.

I really enjoyed getting to know our former First Lady, Laura Bush. I hope you will too.

I never thought it would happen this way...

2010-07-25T23:05:00.009-06:00

For the last few weeks, I have tried to stay quite about what was happening in our home. Except for a few prayer sisters, Chuck and I have been waging a war that we weren't prepared for.

When you hold your little ones in your arms for the first time you can never, ever imagine them leaving. But in all reality from birth on they are slowly taking steps towards their own independence.

Just like hearing birthing stories from other women, no matter what they went through. You won't know how it will feel until you go through it yourself. There are tons of books out there for expectant mothers. What to expect when you are expecting, for one. But I have to say there aren't many books on what to expect when your child leaves home. I have found a few and purchased them this week. It maybe a little too late for one, but hopefully not for the other. As our family was thrusted into this situation, I couldn't think back to when the babies were born. Most of us don't get to plan our due date. But all of sudden you know that it is time. That is the same way I felt when Amanda left. Only the pains weren't in the belly, just in the heart.

We knew the time was drawing near with her. We raised her to be independent. But like any other parent, we wanted to make sure she was ready to fly. I had this picture of Stretch Arm Strong- you know that we would stretch with her. Instead it was a tearing that happened. I wish you could go into the doctor and tell him that your heart was just ripped out and would you please fix it. But there is no such thing. If you find one, let me know please. :)

So now we are trying to figure out what our family looks like, acts like, and stays together. There is minimal contact with Amanda right now. I don't expect that will last forever. I am sure at some point there will be reconciliation. And though I have this hope, it doesn't help my heart right now.

Just like when you are pregnant and you run into others that are pregnant. You swap stories and share that bond of waiting for life to come forth. I have found the same thing on the other side. Many moms have shared their stories with me. Each individual, each filled with their own pain and victory. I even had a sweet daughter who is a mom now, call me and share her story. Since I prayed for this child when she was young, it was a healing balm that came through that phone call. God heard my the cry of my heart.

The day everything was moved out, I went walking. I had my Ipod on and was trying to pray. But all I could hear was my accusers over the years. They were all in line, smirking while they said, "I told you so! She is going to hate you and separate herself just like you did with your mother!" Since I was quite angry, I shot them in my mind. And though there was silence at last, the pain remained. That is the sad thing about people telling you things that affect the core of who you are or trying to be-it can have lasting effects. But the revelation showed that staying angry didn't help me, nor did it take the pain away. So that night I was crying out to the Lord for some justice in all this. How it happened, who participated, and of course my accusers. He took me to 2 Corinthians 5:19 where it speaks of not imputing the sins. I was once again reminded that God isn't like us- His ways are far above ours. So I slowly released them into His Hand. And that is where I started to find relief.

But that doesn't help Chuck or Jonathan. Grief is different for everyone. The stages can be quick or painfully slow. And since there are circumstances that I could share, but don't feel it would serve as something beneficial right now. There are lots of emotions and lots of hearts which are involved, and for the most part we have shared this with participating parties. But I will say, we didn't agree with how it went down. We didn't feel supported and it definitely added to the pain and betrayal we have found in the other church we attended. It brought not only grief from Amanda moving out, but stirred up emotions that made both of us say, "We will never go back to church again!" But we did. We are at a larger church right now, just trying to wade through all the mucky waters can be difficult.

We are happy with where she is staying now. We feel like she will have a positive influence there. We also expect her to soar. We have poured into her and we know that she is in God's Hand. And will forever remain in our hearts.

I know that I have my part in all this. My frustrations and fears that I couldn't conquer made a huge impact in this situation. I can only hope that in time I will be able to repair what I did or said that was wrong. I started counseling about a month ago, and boy am I glad to be going!

I know that all this will work itself out at some point. But in the meantime we are trying to figure out what our family does now. How do we move forward? Can we stop this from happening again? And how does this all affect Chuck and I? We are in uncharted territory and we feel storm beaten by all this. But we know that God is Faithful and will redeem even this.

When you hold your little one-you never think that one day they will leave...

Marriage Monday: Our Christian Heritage

2010-07-04T01:30:00.004-06:00

**We were out of town over the holiday and I wanted Chuck to read my post. So that is why I am posting now instead of Monday. :)
Chuck and I have found that my grandparents have been the best influence on our marriage and on our family. They call Chuck their grandson and the fills my heart with joy. My grandparents have been involved with our children from helping us bury our daughter to celebrating Amanda's graduation. They have prayed for us and called us just to ask how we are doing. So instead I will speak about our grandparents and how their lives have touched us and our children.

This year my grandparents will celebrate their 63^rd anniversary. It boggles my mind to think that they have been married that long! It hasn’t always been easy for them, that is for sure. I guess I see marriage as something other than family vacations, dinners out, you know all the fun stuff. But rather the day to day grind that could erode anyone’s love away. Ever since I have been young I have watched my grandparents grow as a couple. I have seen patience, understanding, and joy flourish over the years. I am sure that if you asked their children then grandchildren, and then great-grandchildren you would get very different stories. But through each generation, I have seen a softening, a deeper love, and a greater commitment to put the other first. I find this very encouraging. For one thing, it totally dispels the old adage, “You can’t teach old dogs new tricks,” for the changes have been very evident in each one as well as a couple. I have seen them weather many storms of life and not get shipwrecked and give up. I know that when I was a teen, I was one of those storms. Throughout my teen years I was very rebellious and angry. I didn’t listen to reason, especially if came out of one my family members. But I knew one thing- my grandparents loved me. They took me in many times when I didn’t have anywhere else to go. I have seen them choose sacrifice over wants many, many times. And even though they are very, very different people, they make their marriage work.

Chuck's grandparents married each other in their seventies. Chuck’s grandfather was a widower and his second wife was a widow. Before they married they had almost a hundred years combined. In their first marriage they took care of sick spouses. Most of their wants and desires were put on a shelf and not considered. So when they met each other and were in good health, let’s just say they were passionate. J Alice brought Vernon out of his shell. I saw love that transformed lives even when they were in their latter years. I saw that love could renew a person to act like a star-struck teenager. I saw two people give to each other with nothing held back. Alice passed away a few years ago. I miss her terribly. But I feel very honored to have known her, and experienced her love of life.

I have a video tape where all four grandparents are sitting on my couch. My two children are five and six and out of the blue they all start singing hymns. Hearing their voices worship the Lord in unison moved me to tears. They truly knew what it meant to sing “How Great Thou Art,” for they had lived lives where God’s hand, faithfulness, goodness, and love was experienced. They had their own stories of faith, like when Alice broke her back and had to crawl or really scoot on the floor and pull the phone onto her to dial 911 to get help. Or how my grandmother had prayed for my grandfather to get saved for years and then one day their pastor stopped by and led him to the Lord. I have seen my grandparents take care of their parents until they passed on. I have seen them pray, pray, and pray some more for children and grandchildren that don’t know the Lord. And yet, I hear no bitterness in them. Just pure faith, that one day their children will come to the Lord. I have witnessed how love can cover a multitude of sins, just by choosing to see the best in someone rather than their weaknesses.

I find that each of their lives and their marriages show life lived, not in perfection, but rather in passion. Proverbs 13:22 states that a good man leaves an inheritance to his children’s children. I believe that both sets of grandparents have done this and done it well. They leave and example of lasting love, of forgiveness, and a willingness to change no matter how old you are. I can only hope that Chuck and I can carry on this heritage and leave it to our grandchildren. Money, houses, heirlooms can only have so much value. But the way we live our lives now can transform the generations to come. I know that our kids have at least seen what love looks like day after day until it adds up to over sixty years.And we are eternally grateful for out heritage.