Feeling the loss this year

Tomorrow marks 20 years since Elizabeth has passed. This scene from the Rabbit Hole expresses the grief a mom feels.

Becca: Does it ever go away?

Nat: No, I don't think it does. Not for me, it hasn't - has gone on for eleven years. But it changes though.

Becca: How?

Nat: I don't know... the weight of it, I guess. At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into something that you can crawl out from under and... carry around like a brick in your pocket. And you... you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and - there it is. Oh right, that. Which could be aweful - not all the time. It's kinda...

[deep breath]

Nat: not that you'd like it exactly, but it's what you've got instead of your son. So, you carry it around. And uh... it doesn't go away. Which is...

Becca: Which is what?

Nat: Fine, actually.

From The Rabbit Hole

Like this quote from The Rabbit Hole, the pain lessens but never goes away. Earlier this week I watched 19 kids and counting and watched how the Duggers started the path of grief as they grieve the loss of their child. I remember the technician looking for Elizabeth’s heart beat and not finding one, too. It is amazing to watch something similar and before you know it you are transported back to that very moment and you hear yourself pray as the doctors tell you that your baby has passed. For a mom, it doesn’t matter if it has been twenty years or it is their twentieth child, the loss stays in your heart.

©TMV 2005 

I think this year is difficult because Amanda is turning twenty, entering a new decade. I can’t believe I will have a twenty year old child. Time has a funny way of moving swiftly like a raging river filled with the snow melt. It refuses to stop, but continues to surge taking with it anything that is not secure.

In a few days we celebrate our miracle child, which God graciously allowed us to keep. But tomorrow we grieve what could have been. Tomorrow we feel the weight not only in our pocket like that brick, but also in our hearts where that hole stays, waiting to be filled when we get to join her one day in heaven. 

I am so much more than what the scales say

Dear Doctor David,

                I am not sure what they taught you in medical school, but I would like to give you a few pointers on dealing with a woman, her body, and her weight.

1.    If you are going to be so agitated when a woman tells you that she has a sinus infection, then maybe you should find another field of work. I have lived in my body for almost 41 years, I have some experience with sinus infections, about ten years or so. I know that when I can’t breathe, have sinus headaches, and pressure, I have a sinus infection.  I am not sure, but don’t the doctors leave notes in those big files? So that if someone new comes in, they have the back story.  
2.    When addressing someone’s weight and you might be trying to empathize with them and you say, “Well, if I weighed what you weighed, I wouldn’t want to exercise either.” That probably isn’t the best statement to make. I think you need some remedial work on bedside manners. 
3.       Dr. David, this is 2012 not 1912- you do not address a woman’s husband and talk to him as if she is not in the room. And you definitely don’t say things like this, “Just quit giving her the ice cream she likes to eat at night.” Or “When she wants sweets cut them in half.” If I wasn’t in so much shock by what you had just said, I probably would have gotten up and smacked you-but I had a test to take-you see, I have a  very busy life. I am in school full time and work part-time. I don’t have time to sit around and eat Bon Bons, whatever they are.  
4.  If you want to address the obesity issue, shaming someone or just pissing them off really defeats your purpose. You don’t know me. You don’t know what I have walked through in the last 18 months. Maybe if you would have taken the time to know that since my back surgery in June my feet and legs swell so much that I had to buy new shoes and boots because my feet are so swollen. The weight difference of about 10 lbs. could it just be water, couldn’t it? But until it has been an entire year, I can’t find out why my legs swell- so like you said, “It must be my weight.”   

The fact is there has been about a 25lb weight gain since October of 2010 and I can even tell you what it is-I eat too much fast food. Why? I am tired. I know to you that might seem like I am just lazy, but believe me Dr. Dave I am far from it. You see I almost lost my son to a virus that attacked his heart and he almost died in Florida while attending a debate camp for school. We flew out there and that night my husband was hit by a man going 70mph. My husband ended up in the ICU of the hospital with life threatening injuries. Because we did not have insurance, the hospital kicked us out and I had to drive my husband across country with three brain injuries, seven broken ribs, a broken collar bone, and a shoulder blade. 

While all this is going on, I am in college full-time. Once my entire family is back in CO, I get everyone a doctor. Do you know how hard it is to get help for your loved one when you don’t have medical insurance? Do you know how many doors closed in my face-sorry we can’t help you. But there are angels in your profession. Dr. Mike is one. He enabled Chuck to get the much needed help.  My son recovered and continued in school and now is in college.

Then a disc blew out in my back from lifting a couch. Just before getting my surgery I was reduce to using a walker. But just like you, Dave, the doctors thought my back problem was due to my weight. After surgery they came in and apologized to me and said it had nothing to do with my weight. Oh, by the way, I am still in college and still trying to pursue a career, even though I had back surgery. But I also had to deal with lawyers, doctors, hospitals, business associates, because our lives have changed forever. This fall while in college and working part-time my aunt dies, and then my dad dies.

So you see, I am tired, Dave. I have tried to keep everything from falling apart, except that I am not Betty-homemaker right now. I know that I need to lose weight-I do. But I just wanted you to know that I am so much more than what those numbers on the scale say. 

Just like you were so embolden to tell my husband not to give me sweets; I felt the need to be just as embolden to tell you who I am. I am strong woman, who has walked and at times crawled through life and no matter what has been thrown at her, she refuses to give up. I might have lost the battle for now with my weight, but not the war. I will try again, but not because you said, so, but because I want to. I hope that the next woman who walks into your clinic, you will see her as a woman and not just the numbers on the scale.

The Vow

Last night Chuck and I went to see the movie, The Vow.  Ever since I first saw the commercial for it, I knew we needed to see this movie. Before we watched the movie, I read many reviews  on the movie, and even though I saw the same sentiment over and over from the critics,” It is a cute date movie, but they just couldn’t get the chemistry right.” I chose to ignore their comments, and I am glad I did.   We had lived through something similar in our lives, and I wanted to see how the movie depicted brain injuries.

The movies starts out with two young people in love just get married and a car accident puts the wife into a medical induced coma. When the wife, Paige comes to, she doesn’t recognize her husband, Leo.  The rest of the movie depicts how this couple tries to figure out what do and how to live with such a life changing event occurs.  The complexities that come with the original trauma also wind around every other detail of life. It is like a like looking through a wide angle lens camera where everything is open and multiple possibilities abound; to switching to a macro lens with the expectation that view will be the same. Instead everything seems huge and there is no way to see the broad scope, because the smallest things pop up and stay in the forefront of the view. In other words, you can’t see the forest because of the trees.  The adjustment period is long and awkward and filled with blurry memories that can’t seem to come into focus.

The Paige’s family played a part that happens to many people who have brain injuries; they wanted to take over. I am SO GLAD that did not happen to me! Chuck’s parents were amazing. Then there is all medical bills and income issues, that weigh heavy on Leo's mind.  There were a couple of scenes where Leo’s friends were trying to help him understand where Paige was at, and the viewer could see the doubt on their faces as they tried to convince him. Those stressful looks, I have seen those before. I felt so bad for my friends who were trying to help, but weren’t sure they were getting through.

But where the critics missed it the most, was how awkward the couple felt. There wasn’t chemistry because, the intimacy and familiarity was gone. I felt that the movie did an awesome job in this area. Whether there is partial amnesia, or just the lasting effects of the brain injuries, there is tons of intimacy lost in couples who walk through traumatic brain injuries (TBI). Of course each couple degree varies because no brain injury is the same, nor does the brain heal in some particular time.  How each person grieves the loss of the past relationship can make the difference how a new one gets started.  Learning to let go of what was and choosing to try again is where the true test of love comes into play. This decision is not for the faint of heart-it requires the ability to explore territory that you thought you knew by heart. It is willing to say, give me fresh eyes to see this person in a new light. And in the same breath recognize the “old mate” when they pop up.   It’s like not knowing if you are dancing with your mate or their shadow.

I am very grateful that Hollywood is starting to take on brain injuries; as a whole our country is experiencing the lasting effects either from car accidents or from the military service. This movie gives a voice to many marriages that have struggles with TBI.This movie did an amazing job depicting the the myriad of struggles that a couple must walk through while healing from brain injuries. I plan to read the book that this movie is based on, I bet it is powerful.

I leave you with couples’ vows, for they ring true of love:

Paige: I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness and to have the patience that love demands, to speak when words are needed and to share the silence when they are not and to live within the warmth of your heart and always call it home.
Leo: I vow to fiercely love you in all your forms, now and forever. I promise to never forget that this is a once in a lifetime love.

Book Review: A Thousand Splendid Suns

A Thousand Splendid Suns

By Khaled Hosseini

In one of my searches for a good read over the Christmas holiday I came across A Thousand Splendid Suns. I had seen the movie, Kite Runner and loved it, so I had pretty good idea that I would like this book. Hosseni did not disappoint at all; I could hardly put the book down.

The story revolves around two women, Miriam and Lalia where their lives become intertwined by circumstances beyond their control in Afghanistan. The author covers the last thirty years of what is like for women to live in Afghanistan under different ruling regimes.

 I believe Hosseini does a fabulous job of building a bridge of understanding of a different culture; by giving us a peek into how the cultural norms in a male dominated society changed over time for these women. Heartache and sorrow is a universal theme that most people can relate to, as well as motherhood. The author did a wonderful job in inviting the reader into the women’s lives in such a way that empathy triumphed over the differences in how they lived their lives.

After reading this book, I came away with a different outlook of the plight of the Afghanistan women. My heart was torn by their suffering, but also inspired by their courage.  Hosseini’s ability to captivate me, by the sights and sounds of the imageries of Afghanistan gave me a very different perspective of that country. I was enthralled by its beauty and appalled by the tyrants that took over and destroyed their homeland. Before this book I never had any desire to visit that part of the world, but after reading it, I would love to visit.

I highly recommend this book. If you have read this book, any thoughts?

Merry Christmas 2011

Sitting down to write my annual Christmas letters to my family I had such mixed emotions. This year has been so tumultuous and yet miraculous at the same time. At times it seemed like time was crawling by and yet here we are at the end of another year.  It is true each year one gets older the faster time seems to fly by. In getting out my Christmas cards I had to choose between getting them out or waiting much later with a letter.  I was too afraid that I would never get the cards out, so here is our letter.

The high lights of 2011

•  Jonathan graduating with honors in spite of his health issues. Then getting to go to Nationals in Speech was awesome, the only regret was that Chuck and I were unable to attend.

• Chuck recovering and attending college this summer and fall semesters. He has a 4.0 and made the Dean’s List!

• Chuck started teaching at FACE and loves it. We have really enjoyed teaching and going to college together.

• Jonathan heading off to CSU and embracing his first semester at college. As a homeschool mom it was so wonderful to hear Jonathan’s zeal as he learned new things.

• Amanda is working and heavily involved with her church. I had the pleasure of watching her Christmas play that she wrote and directed. She did an amazing job!

• Thanks to our angel Dr. Earnest I was able to get my back surgery this summer and I am on my way to a full recovery.  Dr. Earnest helped both Chuck and I get through the tangled web of healthcare today and we are so very grateful for his help!

• In the fall I was inducted into Phi Theta Kappa honor’s society. What a redemptive night for me, a high school dropout getting into PTK. God is so good!

The Low lights

Having to say goodbye to my Aunt Ruth, my dad, and our friend, Tim Wilderson.  The path of grief has been very arduous with each passing. Only by the grace of God did we not say goodbye to Chuck’s biological father. Chuck’s father seems to be making an amazing recovery. Also my grandfather had cancer surgery where he was able to recover from, but we are still waiting on the doctors to know what the next step will be for my grandfather.

I am so very grateful for those who have prayed for us. Thank you so very much. In many ways it has been the prayers of many that have sustained us through this year.  One of the greatest lessons learned and experienced was how God’s community has reached out to us. Thank you so very much.

From our hearts our prayer for you is that 2012 will be one filled with peace, hope, and health.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Marriage Monday: In-laws

In-laws are a great topic! Thanks E-Mom for hosting MarriageMondays.

I would say that miscommunication and misunderstandings plagued me when it came to my in-laws. We did not start out on a positive note. Neither side of Chuck nor my family were too happy that we married so quickly and so young. Looking back, I can see that many of their concerns were reasonable, but my own insecurities did not allow me to see another’s point of view. The choice that Chuck and I made by homeschooling our children, I believed isolated us further; sometimes it is hard to build bridges that someone is willing to walk over.  By the time the kids were teenagers, I was much better at building motes than bridges. Staying in a toxic church for eleven years took its toll on our family, but especially me. I became very wary of people and wondered how I would ever heal.

All that changed on October 9, 2010. Having two tragedies happen back to back will force anyone out of their shell. I remember calling my in-laws and telling them about Jonathan. Then the following day having to call them about their son; it was such a difficult call. I had no idea how they would react. But something changed between us that day and it has never been the same. They took the news as well as any parents would, shocked and in dismay. I told them that I would keep them posted as things changed. By the time I drove Chuck home, Charles, my father in-law had committed to staying with Chuck while I went back to college. He brought dinner with him and sat with Chuck a couple a days each week for probably a month or so. This was invaluable to me, I could try to make up college and not worry too much about Chuck. Laurel, my mother in-law would come by on the weekends  because she worked during the week. Each time they came, they always asked what they could do to help us. This life changing event changed our relationships. We were all more relaxed and conversation flowed. I have a very hard time asking for help, but as they came over, I was able to allow them to do the dishes or make dinner.

With every decision on my shoulders, I was afraid that I would make wrong decisions; I realized that I needed counsel. Charles had been an attorney most of his life, I knew that he would help me maneuver through the muddy waters. I have to say that in this area, I cannot thank them enough. Charles helped me find an attorney, came with me to all the meetings, and talked to me about the finances. Never once did he or Laurel suggest that I do this or that. They left everything up to me and only gave their opinion if I asked for it. I am pretty sure I would have sunk to the bottom had I not had those conversations with Charles.

When I started looking up all the issues that come with brain injuries they have a section on in-laws and most of it isn’t pretty. I couldn’t imagine dealing with controlling in-laws in the midst of everything else. I guess the parents of the injured tend to step over boundaries that they shouldn’t. It is like they go back to being parents of a little child. I am so grateful that did not happen to me. Through this ordeal we have come to see each other in a different light. We will probably not agree on things politically or even spiritually. But there is a newfound respect that grew from our mutual love of Chuck and Jonathan.

I have seen where tragedy has torn apart families and it just adds to the pain. Sometimes there is so much damage that it not repairable. For our family it took something so much bigger than us to see really how we felt about it each, but maybe we just did not know how to express it. It took twenty years before we had our breakthrough. God is faithful to slowly work on our hearts. Today I see my in-laws in such a different light. We weathered the storm together.

High school again isn't such a bad thing

 TMV©2008

The last two weeks the Lord has shown me something very sweet about our lives. How He can redeem something in my life from more than twenty years ago. As a child I found solace in school; it was my place of safety. I loved learning. In the elementary years I would lament each time we would have to move and I would have to start over in a new school. Our class would be starting something new whether that was in science as we put feline bones together; completing the cat to me it was like putting together a puzzle. Or learning about some new foreign land and all of the students would look forward to the display day where different foods would be cooked from different countries and blanket and clothes would be on display. It never failed; I would be uprooted and moved to another class that wasn’t studying anything like the previous class, so I would have to cram to catch up. Being the new kid is never easy. In sixth grade, I was the new kid six times, that year. 

Junior High was even more difficult for me. My home life became the haven for many different groups of people who loved to party. I became tired of being picked on in school and started standing up for myself and fell into a different set of friends where education was not the priority. The emotional upheaval from the previous summer events set me on a course for self-destruction. Certain family members tried to intervene, and in many ways probably saved my life by allowing me to live with them. By high school, learning had lost its power over me. I was tired of not fitting in and I was unable to reconcile so many things in my life. So I walked away. It is one of my deepest regrets in my life. But then again, I wouldn’t have met Chuck. Funny how life unfolds itself. 

Now that Chuck and I are in college together, it feels like we are both enjoying our high school years once again. The other day he carried my books for me. You know, that has never happened before. I was pretty much invisible to boys in school. Which looking back isn’t such a bad thing-since my life was such a mess, adding a school romance would have only ended in a negative way. 

As we head off to school together in the morning there is something special about our time together as we talk about the subjects that we are studying. Eating our peanut butter sandwiches together between classes seems divine.  It’s like God has frozen time for us and given us this special gift.  A gift-certificate to redeem the past of its shame and pain; in many ways it has enabled us to rewrite our story. Getting goosebumps and giddy because he wants to carry your books is such a great feeling. I am very grateful for this time we have together to not only learn about specific subjects but also, seeking God in how He might use our gifts and talents to bless others. God is in business of taking our ashes and turning them into something so beautiful.:)